Insanity Is Overrated

The Doctor of Me

2012-01-28T17:03:00.003+08:00

I am a 1st year medical student of the year 2012. I am back here in Kuantan, Malaysia for holiday break and will return to Xi'an, China to resume my medical studies a couple of weeks from now. Since I've enrolled into medical school, I've felt there is an added weight on my shoulders.

I was playing badminton with a few of my friends this morning and this time out of all the other times I have been playing badminton for the last few years, I approached this sport with a different attitude. I wanted to be serious. The goal for me is not to win, but to not make mistakes. It kills me every time when the ball hits the rims of my racket and the shuttle flies far out from the court, or when my smash hits the shuttle a little too early or a little too late and the shuttle gets trapped on the net. I know it sounds stupid for me to say this: I feel horribly ashamed when I made a mistake. Although my friends seems to get used to me making silly mistakes in the game, but after each and every mistake I made I screamed in my heart that "I would never make that stupid mistake again! ARGH!" - and it doesn't work. It never works.

I may get better and better as my body warms up and I become more aware and careful when I meet the same situations when the shuttle is coming fast to my left because I have a weak backhand stroke, or when the shuttle is going near the net because I'm especially weak at the net. I knew I had to be more careful. And I tried, but mistakes - as I should have known - is ubiquitous and inevitable.

I already know that as a human, you are bound to make mistakes. Even in a simple, irrelevant game in badminton, I care a lot when my team fails because of my mistake. As a doctor, a mistake could cost a life. I am afraid the day I make that mistake. I'm even more afraid because I know myself. I know late at night, I grow blurry and don't make good decisions. Even when sometimes I know I am in my top form, I still may become reckless, or forgetful and starts to mess everything up. Being a doctor, there is a culture that we cannot make mistakes and that for me is really scary.

After today's game I had a long time to think. All the more thinking I did, the more depressed I became. More and more questions I ask myself starting with "what if...", and each time I bring up a scenario where a patient, directly or indirectly dies because of my mistake - I did not know how I could ever react to that. I did not know how I could ever face the patient's family. I feel alone and sad and there's no one I could talk to. It's not even something you should talk about or could really proudly admit when you've made a mistake and someone died from it.

I must strive to be perfect.

look through my eyes

2011-12-11T08:29:00.001+08:00

A few days ago, I had lunch with all the other Chinese in my dorm. My friends think it's nicer and cheaper. But food to me is around the same price everywhere else. I don't mind what kind of food i eat, as long as there's rice. Haha.. damn i love rice. =)

I took this a few weeks ago. Hm... still look a little rough in the back.

These 2 people are just absolutely nice. They are married couple now studying in my school. Both of them are 2 years my senior. Keenoo and Nuree is what we all call them, so i don't know their full names. Hah.

I just wanted to post a few random pictures once in a while. This is the only way i know how to share with people what I see. I'm not a great talker, and definitely i don't have a good memory. By the time i get home, i'd probably forgot everything I wanted to say. I'm not predicting this to happen, i KNOW it will happen.

It's Sunday morning so now i'm going to Church now. Byee..

first autumn

2011-12-07T05:58:00.001+08:00

This is the picture I took a few days back of the same place. All the leaves have shed! The trees are bare and seemed so dead. This season really makes one feel rather moody.

All over the city, it would look a bit like this. Fallen leaves all over the ground. I felt like God is trying to tell me something by showing this to me for the first time.

Still, it's a beautiful scene to look at.

Eventually it will be snowing and i'll take more pictures of it for you guys.

Haha... KDG Clothing Brand (note: no glasses, so he's a different guy)

I don't have time to write too much in this post. I've been quite busy. Will write more next time.

Love ya'll

你好！

2011-11-14T14:00:00.001+08:00

Honestly, being in China for my 4th week now, my Mandarin language skills have not improved one kilobyte. So i'm not going to write this post in Chinese.

To all my friends back at home, how have you all been...? It has been ages. Haha, living so far apart from you all... i'm running low on questions to ask of you. So that's probably the only one I could ask about. Yet, from the bottom of my heart I wish you all well and pray that whatever you desire for will come true in the near future. Facebook is being very mean to me because it gives me a feeling of being "so close, yet so far....so soo far."

Walking the dark walk of life, alone - is okay.

On Halloween's Day, we went out to a bar. This area is within the city walls, so almost all the designs of the buildings and pavements were made to resemble ancient China.

After 4 weeks, I've finally found a good proxy that allows me to access blocked websites, but at a slow rate. Facebook is pain in the ass.

I haven't took much pictures to show you all. Sometimes i just find it boring to take pictures of inanimate things like scenery and buildings. Haha, so I don't take them at all. Don't worry though, I will definitely take pictures on special occasions. There's still Christmas to come! WITH SNOW!

Guys, how are you all?

They say when you look at the moon, you'll think of home. I find that quite true sometimes. There's a partial full moon hanging in the skies, but not accompanied by the twinkling of stars, but instead blips of airplanes. Xi'an is a modern city, and it is growing really rapidly. There is construction sites like almost everywhere. Everything is changing so much, so fast here.

However, people don't change that fast. I haven't changed. Perhaps I've grown a bit after leaving that sanctuary of mine in Kuantan. Life is brutally cold here, physically and emotionally. The story of 小悦悦 really shook China that I could even feel it in Xi'an. People of China really need to stop and look deep into their hearts, search in their consciousness, what is the value of another person's life? They'd think "As long as the victim is not me, i'm just thankful - there's no need for me to help." They'd never stopped to think:" What if that little girl that got run over by a truck on the road was my daughter? What if the person that got stabbed was my brother? What if the person getting raped in the backstreets is my wife?"

Nope. Chinese people are smart. They're practical people. The population of China is so big. If I just close one eye and just watch this pickpocket steal the wallet of another, there's a one in a billion chance that he would pick my pocket. Rather if I catch that pickpocket, he'll come out of jail in a few months and start stealing again, which is the same. The mindset of the people here are messed up. They've covered their conscience with layers of fear and greed, and their self-importance. Every day, there will be an incident of a person getting raped, killed, mugged - but could easily be prevented if someone would just dialed 110 or lifted a finger to help.

Is this the one billion effect? When you live in a highly populated region, you will value life much less. People die, but there will always be new faces. You will value others much less. If you were to help every stranger that is in trouble, you would probably have to do a lot. Only thing important is to take good care of yourself, feed your parents and grandparents AND your wife's parents and grandparents. It's the one-child-policy that's putting a heavy burden each person. A normal family probably adds up like this(+ in laws); 8 grandparents, 4 parents, 1 child - is completely dependent on the able and working couple. Including the couple, they 2 have to support the lives of 15 people. There's no extra time or money to spare for other people.

Haha.. i'm sure this is not what you wanted to read about when coming to my blog. Truly sorry. I've been preoccupied with lots of things. Friends, and life.... I will try put up more of the bits of my life up for you guys to see.

Kimbereley (Chinese girl behind cake) had her birthday on the 7th November, which on that day she was facing an exam. So she couldn't have had the time - or the right mind and mood - to celebrate her birthday. So we celebrated her belated birthday last Sunday. There was an awesome cake, and them. =)

They're the closest thing I have to family here.

Also this is the month of Autumn.

The left building is my campus library. It's like the only place I've seen so far with brown leaves covering the trees that line the sides of the pathways.

Autumn is pretty cold for me, and I'm not really looking forward to the winter. Hah!

I'll try to put a picture for every post next time.

Cheers people. Remember don't don't remember me. =)

before i take the biggest leap of my life... i just need to say

2011-10-09T07:30:00.000+08:00

6:36AM. I'm writing this for you all.

Every time I go on Facebook now, I see you all, and all the time we had together. It's all gone now. It has all passed. At the same time right now, I feel I am both the happiest person - and the saddest person. Happy - because I have friends like you all. Sad - because we won't be friends like we used to anymore. We will be far apart, and we must have our own friends. We must all move on. It's what humans all must face.

There are changes in life that we cannot run away. The changes i'm going to have, will change everything. The changes you all made in my life, has become part of me. All that I am, is a big blend of ALL of you. I got the geeky-ness from KS and Kenny. I got the stubbornness from Yan. I got the gay-ness from Ryan. I got the madness from Russell. I got the politeness from CPY. A bit of craziness from NKL. Of course the kindness from Kenneth. A bit of street-smartness and steadiness from Teh, Yao and Wen. A bit of pevert-ness from, almost all the guys =.=". Add it all up, of course - you gave me a lot of happiness. The last 5 years of my life, I think I have no regrets. It was the best 5 years, maybe, of my entire life. I'm not sure if I can find people like you anymore in my life. I know China population very big, chances are high - but somethings are just irreplaceable.

Ever since January, I have been waiting for this day. I wasted all my time away at home playing - sleeping - eating. I know if I will start to think. Start to think a lot. What if..? I have successfully put my brain on 'sleep' mode until now. Today it's back on, and suddenly all these tears come from nowhere. Ugh. What a mess.

I ask myself this question every time I think about you all.

"How much do they love me back? Maybe something I did made them hate me? Maybe it's because I did this.. or I did that.. that he wouldn't want to see me again.." But I'm not that stupid. I had always known the answer. I cannot change you.

When I say :"I love you." As much as I want to hear you say it back to me, I understand if you wouldn't. I love, but I won't expect to be loved back. Less expectations - less disappointments. I will keep loving you. The 'you' I know now la.. If 10 years later any you turn into some freaking pervert rapist, I'm going to find you, and beat the sense back into you. If it doesn't go in, i'm going to treat you with my doctor skills. When you're all healed up, I'M GONNA FRIGGIN BEAT YOU UP AGAIN.

You're probably sitting there, reading this shit thinking "aiyoh, think too much le la." Problem is, you can't friggin change me either. I'm like that, will always be. Since you know that I "think a lot" - rest assured, i'll think of you guys, a lot too.

Sorry ah Teh, actually I had many chances to come KL and find you. But I didn't because - I really want to smell Kuantan air a bit longer.

People ask me what the meaning of life is, even though there's a cross hanging down my neck right now, I really don't know how to answer it. For me, life has no meaning. You just have fun with it. Have fun with it while you can. 100 years from now, you are just another face on a stone, waiting to be bulldozed (by Teh and Co.) and paved into a broad highway. Cars will just speed over your stupid bones and no one will remember your name.

I don't know after I die, what I can bring with me. Of course I don't need money. But I hope I can bring my memory. So maybe we can meet in Heaven's Eternal Starbucks, I'm sure we're going to have free refills up there. And we can look down on our little kids, heck, it might be quite boring up there - but at least I know I lived a good life. I can look at all the celebrities or kings or queens and lift my head high, because I have lived the life of Kings. I was happier, much happier that what money could ever give me. With money, i'll probably make my brain go 'sleep' mode. Buy lots of gaming gear, motorcycles, cars, houses - life would be thrilling and empty.

Heck, I feel empty all the time. Glad i'm the only one with this disease. This is not a good way to suffer. It's you who fills me up. That hole in my heart, it's all filled in.

7:18AM. I should move out at 9:20AM.

I don't know what will happen if i leave. I can feel the hole there already.

The sun is up already. So beautiful. Only now I'm noticing.. Has it been so beautiful? Has the air in Kuantan been so cool and refreshing? Is this place, all this while, so wonderful?

24 hours from now, i'll be breathing a different type of air already. please please please let there be Malaysian food there! ><"

I think BS has a surprise for me or something...

Ah! Okay. Steady. Time to "pack up my feelings" now. Hah. My sleeves are dried up dy. These words are really hard to write. This post will end here. The next would be written from China now.

With love,
Jerome

P.s. I love you.

Thoughts and Emotions of a Departing

2011-10-03T00:37:00.005+08:00

Oops. It's already October. You know, it's really hard to have a blog AND consistently update it. Blogger has got this new interface! Probably had it ages ago and i didn't know, but i know now that it rocks. =]

Anyways, this will be my last week in Malaysia, before I begin to pursue studies overseas. Perhaps i'll be able to keep this blog updated at least once a week. I don't really know what to expect. I don't know what i'll turn out to become. I'm afraid I might turn out to become some alcoholic, smoking fat bum. Oh Lord, please deliver me from all evil.

So many things have changed, so much time has passed. They all changed and passed so fast it feels like they are not worth anything anymore, makes you want to care less because you cannot catch up with everything.

To each of my friends from Kuantan, I love you, and will never forget you. I'll hold on tight to you all, so hold on to me too yea? I hope I didn't make anyone angry, sad or hateful towards me. I probably FFK-ed a lot, and my forgetfulness might make people think i don't care, but in fact I do. It's just I couldn't remember well. Well, explanation doesn't really repair damages done. You all have been with me long enough to know how much i love you all right?? Ahh! You all are the only reason i'm feeling so horrible right now.

Vi Hang's organizing this gathering on the 5th with everyone. Don't really know why, but i feel like i don't want to see you all in the last few days. I don't want our last memories to be tearful. I don't want to see sad faces. I hate goodbyes. But i'm still going, haha.. you're all too precious to miss out on. 10-20 years from now, who knows what can happen? I think we would all grow far apart from each other. We'll all find our soul mates, perhaps meet again once in 10 years. Right now, I know I will not let that happen. Hell no. If that happens, i'll feel like those years we spent together would be wasted. It'll be so meaningless.

Kenneth, if you're reading this - just want you to let you know that you've been a really good friend to me, and sometimes I take advantage of you. I know you'll probably say:"Where got??" but I know got because I did it. Haha, maybe you're thinking now "aihz, you think too much le." Okay! it's my blog, just let me write what i want to say okay?! Among all of my friends I think I worry for you most. You're too nice! And there's lots of bad people out there, agh. Take care of yourself man. I'm sure you'll do okay though. I wish you and Shi Wei blessings and may your love last, so long as the sun still rises. Shi Wei and Kenneth, you guys make a cute couple. Despite of all that hardships, you guys really made it through. People say things about you all because they don't know you yet. Be strong!

Russell, if you're reading this - just want to let you know that I appreciate those times you were with me. You were with me during the most boring times. For 1 year at least, you sat beside me in school right? We sneaked food into our mouths while teacher is facing the other way. Basically, we sleep when tired/bored. eat when hungry. Those times, really - i felt like I have another cool brother. Ah, I know you're working hard to lose weight (for her xD). Don't overdo it though. Also... ahh nevermind. Whatever I say, you still will drive like a mad man. Colloquially speaking :"nid langgar le only know wrong." All the best with your love too yeah! Oh yeah, I remember your challenge. Race up Bukit Pelindung when I get back for CNY! I'm telling you, time flies. Don't procrastinate yea?

Vi Hang, William. Aih. I think you both won't come to read my blog de la. Vi Hang, if accidentally saw your name, maybe you'll continue reading xD. Though we don't meet much, and don't do much together. I think we all know in our hearts what kind of relationship we have. You guys are some of the most steady-est guys lah! Haha. Both recently fell out of a relationship. Sorry but perhaps a better one will come by in the future, you know that also lah, no need me to tell. Actually, I don't have to say much. You guys don't worry me at all. I know you are steady. All the best lah!

Kenny - you're steady too. Though you're the most likely to read this post, i still don't have anything to write to you. haha. Stay steady.

Yan - Lol, you really ah. You're the closest to me. So close we can already read each other's minds. Whatever you do, i'm sure you will do it with all your heart and soul. So, i bet you'll be really successful in the future. You might end up in a whole new place, far from here. Successful, surrounded with new friends, have a wonderful family with overachieving kids. I'm not sure where I can still fit in.. God bless you bro. Stay steady.

Okay this post will end soon. Too much time on blogging gets me bored quickly. I plan to go find Teh, let him knock me around a bit in KL.

Recap of the week.

Monday (Today) : Packing! Go school.
Tuesday : Pack all stuff and go to school. It'll be my last day.
Wednesday : Morning Pelindung with BS, then maybe take bus to KL.
Thursday : In KL. Playing all day. Maybe do a bit of shopping?
Friday : Hope to be back in Kuantan now. Rest a bit. Yumcha with Elaine Pooh and family. <3
Saturday : GN Night. Hah, hope i have something nice to wear..
Sunday : 1030hrs - fly to KL. Arriving Xi'An approx. 2230hrs.

Monday next week will be the start of a whole new life for me.

2011-08-28T18:35:00.002+08:00

Seeing him walk into the abyss,
letting him fall into darkness.

did nothing but stood by,
praying he'll not die.
waiting for him to suffocate,
until he'll reach out his hands to me
and i'll pull him out - before it's too late.

i should have stopped him,
but his pride overshadows me.
his ignorance shoves me away,
and his steps were swift and steady.
He stops for no one,
not even me.

His goal is ahead,
the road is set.
Worked out in his head,
and it all began as he raced out of home.
with a smile on his face,
and he waved goodbye to me.

My heart embitters me,
that the taste reaches my tongue.
Food became tasteless,
and my life became numb.

I scour for a fix,
something that will help me forget
or at least numb me more.
from the guilt that i have,
for letting it pass
now my heart is ever bitter and sore.

Legally, no crime committed.
Rationally, no wrong was done.
Logically, the inaction was justified.
Yet, why does my heart still feel this way?

Deep down, I know something is wrong.
Deep down, I'm sure trouble is sure to come.
Deep down, I hate him for what he is.
Deep down, I wanted to help him - and I knew I could.

But I just stood there,
In my heart, I really do care.
Care enough to fear losing you.
Care enough to let you go.
But didn't care enough to save you.
And it's killing me.

2011-08-14T17:31:00.001+08:00

Look into my eyes, and tell me you trust me.

mad men

2011-08-06T17:24:00.004+08:00

The world is ruled by mad men.

Men that cannot be completely defined by logic and reason. They simply have to be accepted as they are, doing what they do deriving from an endless source of motivation. They are fearless, motivated and a friggin' unstoppable force. And it's this kind of things that inspires people to follow. These kind of people that makes miracles happen. These kind of mad men that leads the world.

I truly envy the people that love what they do, and get (well) paid doing it. Wouldn't doing what you love turn into an endless pursuit leading to nothing, and leaves one weary and tired of pursuing, slowly degrading that born passion? Might not that person find a big roadblock or found a dead-end in their life's work and fail to find anything else to cling on to? There's so many downfalls awaiting these people. They placed their entire lives on what they do, they cannot fail because it would just mean failure of their entire lives.

Unfortunately, I wasn't born to be this mad. Or born to have a raging fire/passion in my heart. Yet, I am fortunate enough to meet a few in my lives that really do have a passion for something in their lives, be it serving Jesus Christ, photography or even idolizing another person/celebrity. Their energy spreads, their passion inspires. I'm amazed by how I find myself being affected by them. Seeing them putting hours and hours without the slightest remorse, or the typical look back and say "gah, i'm sick and tired of doing this for so long. i want to do something new."

My definition of mad is irrational people that defy the laws of common sense and rationality - and these people inspire me.

I hope one day, I would be mad too =)

BOTAK

2011-07-28T05:12:00.000+08:00

Going to go bald =))

Again after PLKN!

2011-07-25T23:26:00.000+08:00

Most of all, we need to revive our sense of energy and excitement -- the deep fulfillment that comes of making things we can touch and feel, things that really improve our lives.

Quoted from :http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2011/07/why-are-our-bridges-made-in-china/242115/
by Kathleen Kennedy Townsend

Reminded me of something i've buried away deep.

I Love Yumcha

2011-07-21T02:03:00.001+08:00

Needless to say, time tells no lies.

2011-07-19T01:43:00.000+08:00

I was at Elaine's house the other day and boy did I came back all messed up. Whole body aching from workout and insomnia due to downing two cups of coffee in one day.

Yet, there's always a bit of good parts no matter how bad something might seem to be.

"One man's trash is another man's gold."

This phrase shows us how different people's perspective can become. That porridge gave me a 'wow' moment when i took the first bite. Somehow, it brought me back to my childhood. I remembered there was once that I had porridge on a rainy day exactly like what I did that day. Deja vu.

Almost, but I didn't cry at that moment. For that moment, I missed grandma - a lot. I wanted to hug her again. I missed that feeling of her making that loud kissing sound as she pressed her lips on my cheeks. I missed her voice when she calls out my name loudly everytime she sees me. It's because of her, that I like hugging. =)

I know from up there, you'd know I still love you lots!

Love yah, popo! <3

My Friends

2011-07-16T20:48:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

A like from Wiki

2011-07-16T17:58:00.002+08:00

Chechens are often referred to as the "French of the Caucasus", for a number of reasons (it is notable that the Circassians are the "English of the Caucasus", and the Georgians are the "Italians of the Caucasus"). This comparison may refer to etiher political/historical traits, or to personality characteristics. Compared to their natives, Chechens have, like the French, historically been a comparably liberal people, though this is often obscured in the modern day. Like the French, who overthrew their age-old monarchy in the French revolution, the Chechens had a similar revolution a century or two earlier [33], and like the French, they bore the distinction (for a period) of being the only egalitarian society in an area full of monarchic states. Like the French, the Chechens preferred swift, revolutionary (and often violent) methods to realize the change they wished to see- unlike the Circassians (called the "English of the Caucasus" both for their political and personality characteristics) who preferred more gradualist methods. [34] In the more personality/national character sense (generally the more common use), like the French, they have a reputation for being witty and clever. [35]

Quoted from : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chechen_people

Jabez #1

2011-07-14T20:15:00.004+08:00

I went brisk-walking with my TV-spoilt, couch-potato, unexercised and overweight(okay, that's harsh) little brother. Felt like the most productive and successful thing I did the whole day, besides having a lively chat with Elaine this morning.

Poof it's already Thurday. I hate it when days pass-by uneventfully, because I tend to forget them easily and felt like I hadn't already lived through them. So, i try to make my life as eventful as i can each day.
C'est la vie. Life passes whether you like it or not, might as well make it good. =)

Lil' brother, i hope you grow up one day and read this post (and don't hate me after reading it!). I know you won't read it now definitely! You've too much care for your cartoons and plastic toys that you have nothing left more me but a mere acknowledgement of me being your blood-bound brother that live under the same roof as you. Sorry if I made you sound bad, but it's partially my fault also. Due to my negligence of you for the past 10 years of your life, that you are who you are today. I admit though, that in the past i had been jealous of mom's exclusive love towards you so often and i've secretly held clutches and grit my teeth, tolerating those moments. Forgive me brother, but I never meant you harm. I was just dumbly misled by my young and sadly inexperienced thinking that brought me to hate you and ignore you for so long.

And the fact is right now, that i know in my heart - I love you no matter what.
.I. LOVE. YOU. NO. MATTER. WHAT. BRO.
Take a computer snapshot of this, and show it to me one day in case i forget. I promise, i'll treat you to something nice afterwards. =)

What happened today, was REALLY FUNNY and forgive me for being sadistic towards you. Not that I don't love you, it's just me being playful.. so forgive me yeah?

I'll write specifically to you.

Dear Jabez-of-the-near-future,

Today's the second time we went out together. Really, we don't even go to the mall or go out together much. Unless it's a family trip. I really want to bring you out for ice-cream someday, but it's usually you have tuition or have homework. First day, we were jogging and that ended pretty fast so quite a failure. Today, we brisk-walked which was better spent, as we had lots of time to talk to each other - as we don't because there's TV and computers and homework and mom at home. LOL!

And today you saw on the ground there were lots of fallen leaves and you asked me "Is it autumn already?". Then I gave you a long answer which then you asked me "What is the equator?" which I also answered "It's the centre of the earth" and I admit now.. heh it's a bad answer. Then you asked me "Why do those metals rust?" pointing at the iron rails of the stairs at the park, then i also gave you a quick run through to the whole Periodic Table of Elements and I'm quite sure you've forgotten but it's okay. Then you asked me, "what are bricks made of? are they the same with cement?", frankly then i wasn't really sure what I answered or whether I really did answer the question, but it's okay. You also asked me something about cactus. Yet, I don't remember what that was about. Then you also asked me "Why don't metal turn into water like ice?". This one shocked me for awhile frankly. But gladly too, I answered it with a brief explanation on Melting Points. Haha.. All the while i tried to walk faster, so that you would ask me less questions and you would concentrate more on moving faster rather than formulating questions like that in your head. LOL!
But then, you still chased me down and continued asking.
(I may have forgotten a few questions. but they were all very entertaining. =P )

The funny part is when we're about to go home. The auto-gate is locked, and we had no way in for i left the keys inside and mom must've saw the gate open and decided to lock us out. So, I suggested that you climbed in to open the door. (However I must've made it sound like a threat, because usually 'suggestions' made from a 18 year-old me, to a 10 year-old you, would most often sound oppressive, obligatory and simply a dictatorial COMMAND! Bwahahaha! Blame mom for giving birth to me FIRST!)

I could saw the remorseful and worried look on your face when you looked at the wall, at the deep drain few inches away (you must be visualizing yourself falling into that!), then again at the seemingly challenging 4 1/2 feet wall. We had an option of ringing the doorbell, and mom would just open the door for us - but that'll be too easy, and i was just getting excited. Okay, this part is a bit brutal. I pulled your feet up to climb and then right before i realized i was breaking your leg, i thought "hey, he's only this short, it's not even realistic that his legs can reach this". Sorry! OK, Plan B - push your butt up. Climb was successful, but then you sat there with one left leg over the wall, and hands clinging to the wall as if you're clinging to your life! I couldn't get you to cross your right leg over to a sitting position. Okay, then you're already half-way, so i just had to see you succeed. I crossed over the wall afterwards. I helped you up by holding your hands. I wanted to let you feel what it's like, sitting on a wall so high up! but i guess, you weren't enjoying it when tears were running down your cheeks. LOL! SORRY FOR BEING SO STUPID.

I knew coming down would be very hard, so i just lifted you off the wall. Got inside all safe, and LOL! Okay this one I rather not say.

Back when I was your age, I would be so small I could fit through the gaps in the walls. And last time, we had a rusty manual gate. I think I kinda picked that habit up from our Malay neighbours. Do you remember our Malay neighbours? They used to have 6 kids and one of them used to be quite close with you! =D bet you forgotten eh? The new Chinese neighbours we have had just recently moved in early this year.

Okeyy lar. Prestasi memuaskan! We'll do this again some other time. I'm going to introduce you to my childhood, lil'bro!

Love yah,
Jerome the evil brother

P/s, XOXO

Influences

2011-07-13T02:47:00.003+08:00

Once again, Elaine has opened my eyes to a wider view of the world. Blame it on the Asian blood flowing in me, that I was born with a constricted view of the entire world. The main source of education of the social world for me during my childhood was from the TV!

Like a kid, I've admired the unsung heroes that sacrifices everything - including their love, for the greater good of the world. Sometimes they even sacrifice their identity, their honor by doing things people thought was evil, but was in fact the thing that saved the world from doom. Plots like those kept me thinking a lot, would I have the courage to let the world hate me, let my love leave me, let my family leave me - living in solitude, quietly without anyone's knowledge - saving the world every day from doom?

I want to abide in the code of the gentlemen! In which, from my perspective, is to be :
1. Neat and tidy.
2. Disciplined and a master in self-control.
3. Have integrity and uphold my promises, for a man is only as good as his word.

Know well - "Words have the power to heal and destroy. If words are both true and kind, they can change our worlds".

Still, the world is not always black and white. There are plenty of grey areas of our lives - and I pray during those times, God would assist me in making the right decisions.

Elaine thought me a lesson today, that anyone is approachable. I, of all people should understand the concept of being influenced. I know the power of influence because people influence me a lot. It's just like when you're in a room filled with laughing people, laughing earnestly - you'll laugh also for no reason. It's not "trying to fit in", it's simply because you are happy - and you laugh. Hahha.

"You are the one that choose your influences. No one can influence you without your permission. So choose wisely."

Anthony Bourdain

I didn't really know him except seeing him a couple of times on AFC. All I know is that he's a prominent chef from the States, and he is a writer. I picked up his book few days ago while I was in a bookstore, and flipped through the pages. And saw some things that really caught my eye.

Besides that striking style of writing that is "peppered with the F-word", he reveals the tense situations in the kitchen with a bit of humour. One thing I really liked, is that he takes neatness seriously. Quoted from him "A neat workplace is a neat mind." I liked the way he contextualized that.

I want to be influenced by that. =DD

1507 Princess - saved.

2011-07-13T01:19:00.001+08:00

A special person is having her special day soon! I give her my earnest greetings and wishes for times ahead. May God guide her through the right path. Let His mercy exempt her from unnecessary pains and troubles. Let His grace open up her life to possibilities and joy. May she one day find true love and be forever happy =D

Lord I pray you guide her, take good care of her - send your angels to protect her, hold her when she falls, stop her when she runs astray. Father, would you not let her fall from your grace - and let her excel in whatever she does and glorify your name. Let people see in her, your might and majesty. That she may be proud only in you. I pray you'll use her mightily in your work, give her strength when she is weak, give her light when she is blurred - that she may be forever faithful to you.

In Jesus' name I pray,

(and i hope she says this with me as she reads my prayer for her)

Amen.

P/s : Forgive me yea? =D

Ruminating

2011-07-12T01:48:00.002+08:00

thinking.. thinking.. thinking..

it's a school day tomorrow and it's 2AM and i haven't slept.

there's a lot on my mind right now.

who am I or what I am supposed to be.
- bro, no one's supposed to know what they are or supposed to be. it all is a choice. A choice of doing something you would not regret in the future.

i flirt around. consciously, i know it's a bad thing to do.
- there's always dangers in playing with another's emotions. (Though I'm not sure whether people do helplessly fall in love with other people.) It should be okay. If danger can be sensed, pull away immediately.

i'm blue right now
- dude, you just need sleep.

goodnight.

2011-07-09T12:10:00.000+08:00

As times fly past, you begin to realize that there's so many things in this world you simply cannot control. That's when I started to really appreciate the things happening around me.

A little girl threw harsh words at me while I held my DSLR, and waltz around her in flamboyance. Bwahaha. Thought it was funny.

Form 6 Days 1#

2011-07-05T22:06:00.003+08:00

CXY626, what a weird girl she is.

Me, going to school as entertainment - partly losing my identity as a student, is one reason that is drawing me closer to the teachers around me.

Every one expects that i'll be coming to school just for fun. No one expects anything from me. That's what you get when you live life with zero commitment, no responsibilities and having freedom of the birds in the skies.

My heart tells me that this isn't the way I want to live my life. I like this carefree lifestyle, but I just can't help feeling something wrong somewhere - all the time. Feels numb. Feels - lifeless.

I don't know what I really want, and that's a real problem.

Blogging To Me

2011-07-05T00:02:00.003+08:00

is an expression! An open space on the internet where you log your life, express your emotions and share experiences.

It doesn't have to be burdensome. It is YOUR blog, and you can fill it with whatever you like. Since i'm not a pro, nor do I hold any responsibility in my writings, critics are the least of my concern. As what I seek is a freedom to express, more than a space to learn and grow. I want my blog to be part of my life, instead of becoming like going to school to me.

I know critics can help me grow better, but that's not the thing I need right now. =)

I just want to write my heart out to the world and say "Here! Take it or leave it!".

Last Sunday, there was a PC fair in town. There, I got my first, very own, camera! And it's the Sony Alpha 390. Cost me about RM1550, but i know that this would be the standard price for it.

One thing that grips me after buying it, with my Dad (It was his credit card.) was whether I would use it to the fullest. Whether I would use it to it's money's worth. I'm not sure whether I would LOVE it with all my life, as to what people would most often treat their things when they first bought it.

I thought to myself that I should think less of what is to come. The future might be more than I think. And I'm always open to the possibilities. Who knows? I might grow to love photography - and maybe even get serious in this and throw in a few more cash to accessorize.

Oh well. All glory to God!

Also, this month, i'll be trying out lots of new things like :
1. Taking 1 picture a day."
2. Play piano

TedTalks by Matt Cutts : Making small sustainable changes are more likely to stick.

"I guarantee you, the next 30 days of your life is going to pass, whether you like it or not. So why not think of something you had always wanted to try. And give it a shot, for the next 30 days" =)

Day Out With Dave & Elle

2011-06-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

A simple gesture as a group date for a drink outside at a mamak stall turned out to be more than it is supposed to be. We chatted about all the most quirkiest things, and most embarrassing things. Towards the end, we literally placed all our lives pain and shame on the table. Dave and Elle were really good in words and supported us. They helped us grow through kind words of advice and constructive criticism.

I'm sorry Shuo Yan. I know you need a friend right now, and I'm really sorry i'm not the friend that you need. I'm sorry. Sorry to myself, for letting myself stoop so low. Long have I been the person to despise the spineless whims who conform to expectations of society, and never could I ever imagine - that I am just another conformist also.

For the sake of blending in with my friends, I've grown so lenient and ignorant about myself. I've let myself off on the most basic things in life - time keeping. I couldn't keep time and always break promises. The term 'fong fei gei' (slang for being absent to a meeting that has been agreed upon) has been quite common in my life. I let it happen. Now people see this as a trait in me, a part of me. They expect me that i'll break promises and be absent on our meetings. I've become that untrustworthy, irresponsible bastard that I hate.

Oh, the monster that I've become.. Only now has my eyes opened, and I really want to change it. And I shall. Slowly.

Today i've made a tough effort to attend to every meeting I planned. It was quite last minute, but I did everything I was required to do. Results? It's not as if I've answered the right question and earned myself 1,000 ringgits. Or rather i see the reward as a more subtle one. It marks the change that has begun to take place in me, and I'm excited about it.

I shall become the person of INTEGRITY I've always fashioned to be. God bless me and hope that I can do what I need to do.

2011-06-27T22:01:00.004+08:00

too bad i'm not that type that likes telling stories. that's probably why i don't blog much at all.

I write of course about things i focus in life. and right now, the things i focus on in my life, is me and myself. so for becoming 'good content' on a blog, it really isn't much.

thus i'm starting to doubt whether i should discontinue this blog and do-away with it altogether.

that way i can stop coming back and making rambles like this anymore.

hm..

Spread my wings!

2011-06-23T16:32:00.002+08:00

after such a long time i have abstained from writing, i think i might have lost my touch. words don't flow out of my mind like they used to anymore. getting rusty =="

Ever since beginning of this month, i had been trying ever so hard to make progress in my life. And the only progress I begin to see, is that I can finally wake up to go to school without help from my mother! That, required a bit of push. My mother and I decided that she would not help wake me up if i am unable to wake up the next morning. Whether I make it to school, it's 100% of my own ability. Just like a little bird, suddenly being pushed out of it's warm and comfy nest, spreads it's wings and flies out of fear and instinct. Awesome feeling. I finally am where I belong.

In the end, only Him can satisfy

2011-05-25T19:42:00.004+08:00

In life, we all pursue something i.e our dreams, girl-of-one's-dreams, MONEY$! Yet, I realize that nothing, can truly satisfy us. That void feeling - requires nothing short of DIVINE INTERVENTION to fulfill.

We may fall in love - but sometimes even love has it's patience.

We may have a sudden inferno in our hearts to pursue something, but that fire will burn out eventually.

Only thing that will last forever, is Him. He is our eternal purpose. Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow to the Infinity. :D

"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men who are but grass"
- Isaiah 51:12

Should I Call?

2011-05-25T19:17:00.003+08:00

I made a good friend angry yesterday, though I was treating him kind of badly that day. Yet, he was clear enough to not argue with me about it, because he trusts me with his friendship, and i trust him with mine. No matter how badly he might treat me, or how badly I might treat him, we'll always stick to each other, because we know deep down what kind of people they are, and they are the people we've chosen to trust.

I have a pretty awesome friend. =)

Just moments after the argument, and I was looking for a place to go. Finding a friend to talk to, and then i realized that there wasn't many on my friend's list that I am comfortable TROUBLING them to come out and talk with me.

I realized Kenneth has been a really great friend. A friend that's always there. And I truly thank him for that. The distance between us may be far apart, but i hope to hold on to this one. For once in my life, at least - i chose to hold onto something.

The Molting Process

2011-05-25T00:27:00.002+08:00

Insects, Arachnids, Crustaceans.. they all have a special growth progress. Unlike humans, that grow progressively, their growth involves shedding of the old exoskeleton, and emerging with a new exoskeleton - leaving all that's past, as past and reemerging as a grown insect. That's how emotional growth is with people, I believe. For if we want to grow, we must leave the past behind to embrace the future with new wings.

It's called the molting process. All the scars, wears and tears, left behind - reemerging bigger, stronger, faster and better. That's growth to me. =)

Miracle 1#: Found my bike

2011-05-16T17:08:00.002+08:00

Few days ago, i lost my bicycle.

I remember buying the bicycle. If i'm not mistaken it was RM659. My friends told me i was probably able to get a much better one from another shop, so for awhile i thought to myself whether i made the right decision. Then i realized, it didn't really matter. Because for whatever the price, for the distance i have traveled with this bicycle, it's priceless.

This bicycle has been my main mode of transport, my connection to my friends in Kuantan. However, since i've got my driving licence, i have to admit sadly though i was neglecting it a bit.

This morning, after breakfast with Yan, Yao, Wei Heng and Viliam, we went to Cool Cybercafe. Who would have expected, under this cloudy skies on such a fortunate day, i would have found my long-missing bicycle, just sitting there outside. I almost squealed. I thought I had left it there all these while, because i was not sure how I lost it. There was something unfamiliar to this bicycle though, because there's a new lock on it. So the culprit must be inside.

In the end, my friends saw the person taking my bike away, riding home. Kuantan is just so small that my friends were friends with him and even knew where he lived. So after 2 hours playing counter-strike, we decided, with every bit of coolness and calmness, to drive over to his house to confront him.

I heard from him, his end of the story that he borrowed my bike. I was not sure that time whether i made the right decision about asking him this, because he told me my neighbour/a good friend of mine stole it from me. It didn't even feel right for me at that time, to reclaim my bike.

I don't want to bring up any unnecessary details of me and him anymore.

I've forgiven him and I want to put this behind me.

I already feel blessed enough, to have so coincidently found it, seen it with my own eyes. It is a miracle.

I got back what was mine. That can't be wrong right? Yet why do i feel weird inside?

Father, hold me

2011-05-15T23:23:00.002+08:00

I had never been quite joyful as I am, and at the same time consciously aware of it. I felt the world around me changing, and I felt myself changing also. I hadn't been quite like the person i used to be. How i got here? It's when i have questions in my heart, that neither me nor my family members could help me dissolve - and finding it through my friends, through prayer, from God. And that answer really, really just stayed there.

Still, there are still things that can easily bring me down. I always knew i had the strength to overcome, and sometimes i'll have the slightest remaining bit of consciousness to see, what really is happening.

I see it, but i'm still not happy. I know it's nothing to be unhappy for, but i just can't help myself. It's a general description of the usual heart-breaks that I experience.

I ask myself all the time "Why?". To this day, that query has remained unresolved.

Father, will you hold me, guide me and lead me faithfully throughout my life. Let nothing bog me down, or stumble me. Will you always be the light and salt of my life, that I may be the light and salt of the life of others?

Pray Father, grant me wisdom,
that I may see - the troubles that has been boggling me.
Pray Father, grant me wisdom,
that i may know - the answers and solutions that'll help me grow.
Pray Father, will you just hold me.
And never let me go.

kick-starting life all over again!

2011-05-10T19:52:00.002+08:00

life's a breeze when you go to school (not going to work). Really, when you start working, you'll love studying. Studying is just so pleasurably relaxing and stress-free. Routine isn't so boring and every day opens up to the study of NEW things and exploring the sea of knowledge. Your life moves forward and throws you forward every day you go to school (because at times you go to school but don't feel like learning, yet you still learn).

Since yesterday, I have started my life in Lower Six in Sekolah Menengah Sultan Abu Bakar (a.k.a. SABS). Everything is smoother than i can imagine, and every day is just filled with optimism and sheer HAPPINESS (although we're still in orientation week and haven't really started with much studies). By contrast however, Orientation Week is a drag! REALLY RUB-IN-THE-FACE BORING! So boring, my accomplices and I have already planned to stage a mass boycott of school for the rest of the insignificant days during Orientation Week - up till Friday!

I don't know whether it's the coffee, or life's really looking up for me! Right now, i'm living like i'm dying!

I've just restarted my Japanese lessons, and i'm frequently visiting the library. The depth and amount of knowledge never ceases to baffles me! I love the library - partly because it's just so full of crap that I don't know(and don't need to know)! Wait, they have a name for those crap - and it's called 'facts'.

Awh, I love Kuantan!

it's all in the head

2011-05-10T15:58:00.002+08:00

the mind plays tricks on you.

I've been reading, good books. What i learned from reading books, is that you shouldn't believe everything the book tells you. Take what it says, and use the knowledge for your benefit - that's what's important.

I'm actually halfway through this book on Psychology, and it's quite fun. Thinking ahead of people. Thinking for people. Thinking what people would think before they'd think it, but not really in that mind-reading sort of way though. It does touch a bit about body language, and teaching us to read between the lines of what people say or write. There's much more to know from what one person can say or express!

Depression and all that! GAH! it's just so frustratingly depressing. Call it ignorance or running away, but i'm not getting myself into that state ever again!

All thanks to my encouraging friends and family, i've grown out of that prison already and now i feel i've been so naive before this. I love to hear old people speak, because i always get something out of it! It's just really exciting! It's better than going through grueling 2 hours sermons and hardly get 'touched' by it.. =,=

My 姑姑 reminded me once, "when you think you're smart, there's much more people smarter. when you think you're stupid, there's much more stupid people out there." Makes you think then, then what is the difference? Makes you think, what is the point of comparing yourself with another? Where is the need for conformity and denying oneself? Just awesome. She teaches me, in one sentence, to live my life to the fullest, oblivious to what others may say. It's my life and I choose it's course. I'll be proud of it, i'm sure.

My 哥哥 reminded me that "it's all in the head." Whether if you think you're in depression, or something's wrong with you - it's just your mind playing tricks on you. It's not real, you're just perceiving it that way, and SHAME ON YOU for letting it get you down. For me, i think it's just sad to live every day getting bogged down by self-pity telling yourself each day that you're so unfortunate, that you don't have this or can't do that.. it all comes down to you. Whatever you want to do, put your heart into it, wish for it, pray for it - it will be yours, eventually. (I seriously believe in this)

Rueben Lee da wise-nut! Told me something, I already knew, but said it in a way that touched me in a completely different way! I'm not sure how to phrase it, but do give me the liberty to rephrase. "there are two wolves in your head - the evil and good. And the one that prevails, is the one you feed" If you want to be good, do more good. Practice it every day, feed it! Then it will grow, and it shall prevail. Doing good doesn't have to start out big or attract lots of attention, it's an entirely different thing. It's an inner battle, and you'll have to fight it out inside. And it starts with all the small things.

My 舅舅 reminded me also that when you dream, give your heart out to chase it, but you must also be wary of it's consequence. My 舅舅 gave his ALL for his business, and now his business is FLOURISHING! Yet, he sacrificed lots of precious family time, time with his children. That is something he is sad for, because there so many times he couldn't be there for his children because of his work. Yet, looking at where he has come, I think he has all the rights in the world to hold his head up high.

Not sure who it was that told me "it is naive, for youngsters to think that their first loves wouldn't end". That's because love is supposed to be a two-way relationship. If the other half doesn't really commit, no matter what you do - even after giving all your love to her, you cannot force it down her throat. It's her liberty. And it is exceedingly selfish for one side to kill oneself for a relationship.

Another friend brought be to the sad realization that we often don't see the people around us that cares for us. Love always goes in a zigzag form of way that doesn't come back to the origin. A to B, B to C, C to D. It is rare, to have love travel A to B, B to A. Therefore, relationships and marriages deserves diamonds. They are just priceless.

MOVE OUT

2011-05-10T15:56:00.000+08:00

in depression

2011-04-12T00:27:00.003+08:00

Today felt like my last day alive. My last argument with my father, made me feel all the life inside of me, has evaporated. I am no longer myself. I don't even know who this 'myself' is anymore.

People always say that i'm perfect, but those people have yet to know me. First biggest failure in me, is that I don't really care for anything at all in my life. I don't know how to love, so I like to avoid that word. The main problem in that is I don't even know how to love myself. That became the main concern of my family, and all the people that cares for me. They get worried for me because I don't worry for myself enough. T.T

It's just a perplexing thought. The more I don't want to care, the more people would care. That's the way it is. And when I care, no one cares?

I read about this in a book - The Mood Cure.

"In this chapter, I talk aobut a different brand of depression - a state in which, rather than too little sleep, you may get too much sleep and have trouble dragging yourself out of bed. One in which you may often wish you WERE obsessive, because you don't seem to have enough focus and concentration to get things done. Rather than feeling emotionally agitated, you may not feel much of anything. Rather than getting angry or upset at people, you may just nod and give in because you can't summon enough energy to react. Rather than being full of dark clouds, your mental sky may be colourless."

Friends, don't you see that in me all the time?

I'm in trouble.

As pathetic as this may sound, but i'll pay to have someone wrap their arms around me right now. I'll pay to hear them tell me "everything is gonna be alright". I'm scared. I'm really scared.

There is a section in this book that i really like. It's called the questionnaire.

I'll answer it here.

Add up the numbers beside the question that you answer "yes"

Part 1. Are you under a dark cloud?

3 Do you have a tendency to be negative, to see the glass as half-empty rather than half-full? Do you have dark, pessimistic thoughts?

3 Are you often worried and anxious?

3 Do you have feelings of low self-esteem and lack confidence? Do you easily get to feeling self-critical and guilty?

3 Do you have obsessive, repetitive, angry, or useless thoughts that you just can't turn off - for instance, when you're trying to sleep?

3 Does your behavior often get a bit, or a lot, obsessive? Is it hard for you to make transitions, to be flexible? Are you a perfectionist, a neatnik, or a control freak? A computer, TV, or work addict?

3 Do you really dislike the dark weather or have a clear-cut fall/winter depression (SAD)?

2 Are you apt to be irritable, impatient, edgy, or angry?

3 Do you tend to be shy or fearful? Do you get nervous or panicky about heights, flying, enclosed spaces, public performance, spiders, snakes, bridges, crowds, leaving the house, or anything else?

2 Have you had anxiety attacks or panic attacks (your heart races, it's hard to breathe)?

2 Do you get PMS or menopausal moodiness (tears, anger, depression)?

3 Do you hate hot weather?

2 Are you a night owl, or do you often find it hard to get to sleep even though you want to?

2 Do you wake up in the night, have restless or light sleep, or wake up too early in the morning?

3 Do you routinely like to have sweet or starchy snacks, wine, or marijuana in the afternoons, evenings, or in the middle of the night (but not earlier in the day)?

2 Do you find relief from any of the above symptoms through exercise?

Have you had fibromyalgia (unexplained muscle pain) or TMJ (pain, tension, and grinding associated with your jaw)?

2 Have you had suicidal thoughts or plans?

If your score is more than 12, you need help.

Part 2. Are you suffering from the Blahs?

3 Do you often feel depressed - the flat, bored, apathetic(not caring about anything) kind?

2 Are you low on physical or mental energy? Do you feel tired a lot, have to push yourself to exercise?

2 Is your drive, enthusiasm, and motivation quota on the low side?

3 Do you have difficulty focusing or concentrating?

3 Do you need a lot of sleep? Are you slow to wake up in the morning?

3 Are you easily chilled? Do you have cold hands or feet?

2 Do you tend to put on weight too easily?

3 Do you feel the need to get more alert and motivated by consuming a lot of coffee or other "uppers" like sugar, diet soda, ephedra, or cocaine?

If your score is more than 6, you need help.

I haven't really read through the book yet. I know the cure is somewhere in the back. Anyways, I'm not motivated to do so. If any of you are depressed, and really need help. Feel free to email me at jeromeczr@gmail.com. I'll share with you what's in the book.

Sempurna

2011-04-08T00:08:00.002+08:00

is the song title from an Indonesian band - Andra and The Backbone.

I really like the guitar licks.

This has triggered a very familiar feeling of wanting to learn it, but also a familiar shallow steam to it. It's not going to last long, i know.

Right now, i feel like i want to really, really, learn it, master it!

A long way to go

2011-04-06T18:29:00.002+08:00

I have yet to live one-quarter of the average lifespan of a human being, but I already feel i'm seeing so much.

Standing here, at the border that divides the line that separates the two very different way of life - the studying, and the working one. This is a very common dilemma faced by me and my peers. Although the species of Humans I live with, is very laid back, carefree and oblivious of the terrible mystery of the future.

This is the most crucial time of our lives. Now, we decide where we will go for the long run. It won't be easy, and it will never be the same. There's soo much more things to deal with compared with the common troubles of a high-schooler. We didn't have to worry much about money, about our future, about our lives... We did what we wanted, and were encouraged to lead the lives according to ourselves but within the bounds of law and regulations.

I have a long way to go INDEED! And the future is always bleak and unintelligible. I honestly have a natural curiosity of what lies ahead. Is it good? How good?? What will it be like? What would I be like? The future is like a drama, drawing closer to the ending. And as the future unfolds, we can never be bored of it. No matter what, it's going to rock our worlds, shake our beliefs, sting us in the bottoms, shock us from our seats.

Life is a huge, dimly lit, underground roller coaster. Sometimes you go up and down, sometimes you speed and slow down. Sometimes it's loud and roaring, sometimes it's quiet and silent. Sometimes the tracks become bumpy, and sometimes it's smooth sailing. All we know is, we're always moving forward, whether we like it or not. So, let's look forward, to what's ahead. Don't look back, anticipate the future, and relish every moment. =)

How come I don't blog anymore?

2011-03-27T15:15:00.003+08:00

Blogging is screaming out to the world, your opinion.

I have none.

1st post after NS

2011-02-06T02:57:00.000+08:00

debates at yumcha

2010-11-25T17:33:00.002+08:00

First week of SPM, passes like the wind.
A little thrill in the blood, a little insomnia..
But the feeling of sitting in the exam hall with my comrades
"Fight on my comrades, WE SHALL CONQUER"

In a bit of a bad mood today.
Probably because I had not have much sleep last night.
Ironically, when i'm in a bad mood, i become irrationally cranky..
It's like having PMS. ZZ!

Okay first of all, an interesting topic was raised today after badminton over yumcha'..

Problem statement : What makes a good teacher?

Unfortunately, I cannot narrate the whole conversation because of all the sensitivities involved.

So i'll divert this question to you, my dear readers.

What do you think makes a good teacher?

My chemistry tuition teacher, is a fantastic teacher. A few of my classmates should know him. When he speak, we listen. He is extremely sociable and smart. Seldom... nono.. HE NEVER LECTURES US. NEVER EVER. NEVER GETS ANGRY. NEVER GETS AGITATED. NEVER EVER EVER. Is he human? His teaching methods, makes Chemistry to me, fun and interesting, making absorption much, much more easy. He makes Chemistry as easy as breathing.

Does that make a good teacher? HELL YEAH.

My accounts tuition teacher, doesn't lack much in his teaching. I find it easy to understand his teachings. On the contrary with the former, he ALWAYS ALWAYS NAGS US. ALWAYS. Is he human? Oh yeah, he's definitely human. Makes me feel Accounts is easy too, but my results still is not looking too good. He's principle of teaching is that, if you want to succeed, you must work hard. You must do his homework, and study hard yourself. A bit of "help yourself" concept.

Does this make a good teacher? I still think so.

What do you say?

i'm a believer

2010-11-09T23:58:00.004+08:00

damn right.

My studies have taken so much out of me, that I have begun to change.
Hahaha..
Damn happy right now.

I have a feeling that the future that awaits, will be a bright one. Don't misunderstand. I don't mean, 'bright future' as in becoming millionaire in a short time or something like that. I start to feel that LIFE is becoming more real to me.

Every day i'm sure people ponder of the things they love,
I'm sure they spend their lives on their loves.

If I were given 5000 points, to exchange with something i feel is valuable in my life. I would exchange all of it for 'love'. No regrets. Of course i don't plainly mean romantic love. I want love! I want PASSION!
(and I'd like to have a library ==)[Gimme back my library KARLING!]

UHHWTF.

I don't want to sleepwalk in life! I want to wake up, and make EVERY SINGLE MOVE, a move closer to my dreams.
What's my dreams? Heck, it's still very vague. And i really don't know yet.

I love life. Not everything, but most of it.

Ohh ya, and if i had any left to spare of that 5000 points, the next thing that i'd like to exchange it for..
..is courage.

For some reasons, I never had the guts to do anything. And then i often ask myself, is it because I don't have the guts to do it, or because I just simply don't like to do it?
...And i never got to answer that question.

Life is just so damn confusing. You're supposed to do what you like, but you'll still have to think about consequence and stuff. You might want to be something you're not, and that's kind of sad.

I want to be brave, yet i'm not a brave person. When it takes courage to do something, I'll take a deep breath, and just go through with it. Didn't care what 'it' was, but all i knew that I was fighting an internal battle with my own conscience.. and I JUST HAD TO WIN.

Everything that comes after that, like people begin to EXPECT MORE from me. As i'm not usually brave. They think i'm naturally brave, and they don't know me at all. I'm a coward. Just sometimes my itchy butt gets me to do crazy things.

I'm damn happy.
There's a bit of weights on my shoulders. Never really thought of them before, but it's these weights (or responsibilities) that really wakes you up in life. It's like one day, you get your driving license, and your mother expects you to fetch your brother home from school every day. Suddenly, you're needed in this world. You're useful.

In contrast, going to school does not require any obligation. You can choose to go or not. And the school doesn't need you. When I was young, I used to have thoughts about me killing myself ( a bit emo ). I thought that if I died, nothing will change, people will forget me in a month, my immediate family - maybe a few years, then they too will forget me. The school? Friends? Tuition? My ENTIRE SOCIAL LIFE, GOES ON PERFECTLY. I'm not at all needed. If I were to just evaporate right now, NO ONE WOULD GIVE A DAMN! That was the most amazing fact i discovered when i was young, and also the most depressing.

I love the rain because sometimes, I thought I was very much like rain. Sometimes you're there, sometimes you're not. Most of the time, people don't really care, and you're just always there.

Now. Here I am. I realize how important my education will affect me. That my future, might perhaps, mean something to me. Life, might mean something to me. Even if it doesn't, I hope the things in life will give me the illusion that I do.

babblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabbleyoudont'havetolistentomeatallbabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblefeelfreetoleavebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabble.. AND THEN I.. babblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabblebabble yeah big deal.

Life would be so so so much more interesting, IF WE HAD A BIT MORE COURAGE.
Don'cha think so?

Whoa

2010-10-24T15:54:00.002+08:00

I love Chemistry. <3

I'd like to have a rack like that.

What's wrong?

2010-10-17T14:14:00.000+08:00

Canon PowerShot S95

2010-10-14T17:40:00.009+08:00

Thursday, August 19th 2010. Canon unveils it's most powerful compact camera, if I may say so myself - The PowerShot S95 Digital Camera.

Some of the few new add-ons from the previous models, namely the S90 and S85(duh), is the Hybrid IS (Image-Stabilizer) technology that has only been available in SLRs. This 'monster' also possesses the ability of a 720p HD videos.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I can't write a review too well. So i'm just going to post a youtube link here..

.."Damn that guy speaks fast."

Miniature effect by setting. That's kinda awesome.

2010-10-12T22:43:00.003+08:00

LEAVEMEALONE - GTA Vice City cheat, to get rid of police.

I wish I could write more freely, because I don't.

Before writing something in my blog, I'm troubled with the thoughts of the effects on my readers, and especially my friends.
The ugly truth, never my fancy to reveal.
I feel conflicted internally for being embarrassed to be human.

A part of me wants to be happy.
I know being happy is good.
When I'm happy, other people become happy too.
I want to boldly live life, as if I'd die tomorrow.
But I fear the consequences of my little mistakes.

Another part of me, is the truth.
No one would accept this truth.
I'm not always happy, not always smiling.
Makes people think my happiness, isn't real, that I'm insincere.
Then people start walking away from me.

See what happens?
People don't like truth.
People are logical and rational.
And the truth, isn't always logical.

That's where my heart conflicts.
A part of me wants to tell away all my secrets.
Another part of me is just afraid of being left alone.

I hate you.

On the same reasons I hate myself.

I change in ways I do not understand.
Yet, I don't want people to change in the way they treat me.
When disrespected, I want people to respect me.
Yet, sometimes I don't even respect myself.

My social life is a mess, because I choose to care.
If I'd say "I don't care, I just want.."
perhaps life would be easier.

Lately, these thoughts have been troubling me.
So, I haven't been talking much.
Forgive me, my friends~

控制

2010-10-10T22:34:00.000+08:00

第一次用电话写部落。蛮好玩的。。只是有一小点的麻烦。

最近，我犯了错。因为我，两个人的心，因为我，而受了伤害。两个人之间的感情，因为我，而被搞杂了。无法原谅自己。

街边的一朵花，优雅美丽。。不小心给我踩死了。永远也补不回了。

一次的差错，一世的悔恨。

我这一世，最不想让别人因我而流泪。我宁愿不说话，也不想伤到别人的心，因为有时候我真不懂怎样控制自己的嘴巴。看见别人因我受伤害，比自己受伤害更疼。不如你把你的痛苦，传回给我？

现在，"对不起"也没意思了。就让我承担这份悔恨的包袱，直到回天国为止。

对不起

Trials — 考验

2010-10-07T22:38:00.004+08:00

10月1日，还记得那时考完了最后一张考卷。
虽然交上了考卷，心里有点担心，一点害怕。
但是，我在心里喊 “已经过了！已经过了！”
那天，放学时候脚步特别轻，心里什么提心吊胆的，都消失了。

对于我的将来，
我也不想想太多。。
看着办吧。。

FRUSTRATED

2010-09-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Okay. Better. =D

Dunning–Kruger effect

2010-09-12T23:47:00.001+08:00

The unskilled therefore suffer from illusory superiority, rating their own ability as above average, much higher than in actuality; by contrast, the highly skilled underrate their abilities, suffering from illusory inferiority. This leads to a perverse result where less competent people will rate their own ability higher than more competent people.

Lol. Wtf.

九月，我等你

2010-08-28T16:33:00.002+08:00

自从知道苹果会在九月一号，介绍新的产品，最近好像一直在想她。

想想，她可能会是什么样子的呢？
她会不会太贵？
会不会爱上她，连 SPM 都不想考了？
哈哈。。
很期待。。
期待着，我梦寐以求的 iPod~!

自从电话不见了，已经很久没有音乐陪伴着我了。
这段时间，没有她，哎~~
好像又变懒了一点。

想到九月就要考 Trials 了，又不想时间过太快。

哈哈哈。。好矛盾哦！

只好让时间自己慢慢走。
那一天，一定会到。
不用急。。不用急。。
（是说给自己听的。。 =[）

Minggu Bahasa Opening

2010-08-23T19:48:00.000+08:00

fyi, I was dragged into this by Mdm. Parames.

Always nice to be dragged into something pleasant. =DD

Performance was a little haphazard, but to me, it was a success.

有很多照片在我这里，要放上 facebook 吗？

明天去学校一定很闷。。

想到今天做过的事，也不多。
学校回来后，冲凉吃饭- 上网睡觉。
醒来又上网 ==

现在要去补习了~！
下次再写长一点。

病~

2010-08-21T16:59:00.002+08:00

我知道如果早上天气很冷，我又去冲凉，那个早上我一定会生病的。
整天都流鼻涕，有时会发烧，很辛苦。
去到学校后，还真像直接走路回家。

今天星期六。
听说是班朋友老师的生日。
还会开 party ，送礼物。
也不关到我的事啦。。
我只是在家，生自己的病。
昨天开始，12点睡觉 - 8时30分睡醒。
照理，应该有了充分的睡眠。
9点去补习。
累得要死~

12时，中午。
吃了点饼干，就会去睡。
平时，如果生病，我睡觉后，就会自然好。
不知道怎么了，今天我的 Immune System 都在 puasa。
不要做工 =。=
起来后又生病了。
刚才向拿起书来读一读。。
却什么都进不到脑子里。

完了，迟一点还有补习。
还是最用脑力的补习 - addmaths。
很想 ponteng，但是，上个星期已经为了 “饥饿30” ponteng 了一次。

加上这种天气，最令我无奈的。
阴天。
不知道为什么那么多人会喜欢这种天气。
又没有太阳，没有下雨。
（最喜欢就是这两样）

还有大概两个小时的时间。
我要继续睡了。
zzzz

Debut

2010-08-18T22:16:00.000+08:00

Edited, uploaded, re-edited, and re-uploaded.

Tell me, isn't it all worth it?

Tribute to Brenda See Hui Tze, (girl in the pic)
and to her smiles.

Smile more. =D

House!

2010-08-07T12:41:00.002+08:00

Damn, I love this series.
Because it's simply, so brilliant.

"Wisdom is knowing the difference between what you can change…and what you were born with."
Gregory House [House]

Quote from Episode 19 of the 6th season.
A little something for you all to ponder on.

Wanna know what I've learned from that quote?
I learned, that there's many things in life, we have the ability to change/manipulate.
Master that, then life would be a little less hectic.[probably a little less fun=(( ]

Feeling sorry that I had missed school today.
I didn't promise anyone anything, right? (haha, i remembered)
I never wanted to go.
The punishments that they will inflict on me when I get back to school,
should be relatively SEVERE than usual.
Lemme guess..
A whooping from Mr Chan?
A 40-minute (1 period) lecture on 'attitude and discipline' or 'how you will be a complete failure in life, when you have failed your SPM' or simply 'how much i hate your guts!'
It's strange, because the teachers hate lazy students, but then they make up 90% of the school's population? *correction : they -> we
A saman or demerit

I think that's all the possibilities.

No worries =D
(does that make me a terrible person?)

Today's probably going to be quite action-packed.
Hmm, what can I do to accomplish more today?

2010-08-03T01:37:00.002+08:00

Wahahah! 很高兴因为我刚刚 download 了两手我超喜欢的歌。
1. Ave Maria - Beyonce
2. Misery - Maroon 5

也许会比较久，但是，还是连续不停的听。。
原本我已经很喜欢钢琴版的 Ave Maria，
现在，加上给一位，我超喜欢的女歌手唱。。
哇！那种画龙添足的感觉。

最近不知道吃错了什么药，
每天都很开心。
今天从学校回到家是，
看见镜子里，自己一直在笑着。
连自己都问　“怎么自己那么开心？”

到了现在，考试前夕的　2am 凌晨。
在这儿，写部落。
哈哈。。
对自己说好要读书，
最后，什么都没读到。
上网一下，就连续上了 3-4 个小时。
每次都是这样。 = =

Kenny，
我很赞成你说的。
5S，对我好像一个家庭。
大家有大家的特点，有很多不同的地方。
但是依然在一起，笑着过日子。
这种感觉，连载自己的家里，我也没尝试过。
家里每次都是冷冰冰的。。
没有好像5S，每天都有东西吵。
吵了又笑。
笑了又吵。
有什么不爽，就大声喊出来。
心里有什么话要说，就直接说。
没有在别人背后，说人是非。
直接，虽然有时会很 hurt。
但是，我们依然在一起。
就应为 “我们都是一家人”！

5S，我爱你。

GG，多 6/7 个小时，我就要考试了！
祝福我吧！

End of July

2010-07-30T20:40:00.002+08:00

It's the end of July!
Damn, time flies.
It's a scary feeling because it feels like you've just went into a movie with your eyes closed.
When you leave, people say:"Wow! Great movie!"
Then you think "Damn! I missed so much?"
The feeling is like that.

Bleach 414, ended with a shocking twist!
To know that this bad guy, has always been trying to kill the big boss bad guy, even though they have been working together for thousands of years. (they don't grow old like normal)

And it ended with a neat phrase "Death by volition"

I had to search the dictionary to confirm.
"Volition" - means willpower.
Early Bleach chapters really emphasized on that.
That's one of the reasons, why i fell in love with Bleach.
It shows that determination/willpower/volition can really battle the odds, and turn tables.

Naruto 504, still touches my heart.
The plot, ever so zesty and intriguing~
This manga, never fails to me.
I can never get sick of reading it.
It's one manga, that really shows me love.
A love for country.
A love for brothers.
A love for parents.
A love - for a lover.
There's all this, in one manga.
No other manga, can compete with this, not EVEN CLOSE!
Best manga of all time.
It's like the Michael Jackson of Pop music.
The King. The Best - now and forever.

I don't want to write about myself, and my studies right now.
Because it's really - not up to my own expectations.
I have identified the problem,
'I'm lazy'.
Just haven't gathered enough 'volition' for this one.

Does it mean I don't love myself enough?
Until i'm not willing to work hard?
Most people toil, out of fear.
Fear of the future.
Fear of inability to meet expectations.
Fear of rejection.
.. Fear of God.

Few, toil out of love.
Love for work.
Love for future.
Love for dreams.
Love for other people.
.. Love for God.

I'm in neither categories..

.. uh-oh.

月光情歌

2010-07-19T22:47:00.003+08:00

哥哥上个星期六，回来关丹。
回到来后，整天都在钢琴前面。
说要学好那首歌。
首歌的外号是 Moonlight Sonata。
可说是贝多芬的经典创作。

。。每天都听到他弹这首歌，
真个家，好像变得很。。‘黑暗’。
感觉很伤心。。
却感到音乐很优美。
美丽的悲伤？

哈哈，好像有过这样的感觉。

不知道怎么了，透不过气来。
心很烦，又不知道正是烦什么。
哈哈。。
庆祝紫欣生日会后，
就这样的感觉。。

不管怎样，今天还蛮好玩的吧。。
虽然，看了一套，不应该是人看得戏。
叫[出水芙蓉]。。
如果 tzy 有去，他应该会喜欢。
哈哈。。不知为什么，有人在戏里提起了 “老汉推车” 这四个字。
“有志者，事竟成”，只要相信。
“信，就有；不信，就没有”
Err, 整套戏，好像只记得这几句罢了。
哈哈，戏的80%应该都忘了。
那时我很冷，在发抖，所以没什么记得。。
还有一个抓得我的兴趣，就是当女主角踏脚车时，
所播放的那首歌。
好好听。。但是，很快就没了。 =[

哎哟，诗蔚？
今天真么了？
好像很多烦恼？
无论如何，希望你能尽快恢复原态。
可惜，我也没什么能帮得上。
就算我在这儿说，“有什么事，可以找我谈”
你也不会找我的啦。。都认识那么久了。
如果自己承担不下，就别勉强吧。
找个人分担下，会轻松很多。

对了！说到这个。。
知道为什么我突然和 Syamsul 那么好？
我知道彦很不爽他，
但是，我不可以这样为了一个朋友，伤害另一个。
Syam 来到这间学校时，好像一个外星人。
每一个人听得懂他。
虽然我国语，还说不到那种马来抢。。
我们依然能做好朋友。

他不是完美。
但，他象征着我要成为的人。
我要像他这样开朗。
像他这样大方。
像他这样会说话。
像他这样体贴。
像他这样 - 是个那么会聆听。

他来的时候，我正需要一个人来谈谈。
谈谈，一些烦恼。
只是说说，我不是要他帮我找解决方法。
只是要他听。
我知道，我说了，他也帮不了我。
也是我找他的主要原因。
我知道我的朋友们的个性。
和他们说了，他们也不了解。
可能，他们还会嫌我烦。
而我知道，Syam 不会。
当时，我正需要一个人听听我的话。
但是如果我知道，和你说了，
你会嫌弃我。。
你会觉得我很没用。。
你会说我这样错，那样不应该。。
你会说："哎呀，他是这样的啦！”
还是：“哎呀，你想太多了啦！”
我更不想让我心上的烦恼，成了你的烦恼。
我不想，你因为为了要帮我，自己也很烦，然后影响到自己的生活。
你们是我的朋友。
是怎样的朋友，我也知道，我也很感激。
但是，和 Syam 不一样。
不代表你们比他差。
不代表你们没那么重要。
不代表我会爱你们少一点。
若你们出了什么事，我也会尽力帮你们。
你们依然是我的猪朋狗友！（是代表很好的朋友对吗？）
其实，我还是觉得你们比较他好。
两个不同种族的人，应该不会比同种族的人好吧？

我和他，可算有很多共同点。
两个人，虽然补不上对方心里的寂寞。
但最少，我们都彼此关心，彼此尊重。

彦，不要怪我。
我没有意去伤害你，这你也该知道。
我就不想伤害人和人的心。

今晚，就写到这儿。

p/s Hurry up Friday!

中学运动会（最后一年）

2010-07-18T14:12:00.002+08:00

。。也没做到什么。
没赢到什么奖。
没有和朋友们怎样特别颠。。

今天一早，心情就很差了。
很不想去学校。
因为觉得有责任去，也去了。
迟到，也好过没到。

到了那儿，就和我班 kadet 集合。
要开始了。。
和他们这班人，让我感到很不安。
不想和一些可靠的朋友一起。
就是，很怕没有那种团队精神。
自己喊：“kiri, kanan!”，都变到很尴尬。
因为当自己喊“左”，他们就走“右”。
喊“右”，他们走“左”。
前面人的脚步，有跟旁边的人不一样。
旁边的人和前面的人，都和 commander 不一样。。
都是大家走自己的 catwalk。
边走，边笑。
完全破坏了，我心目中那个洁净，完美的 kawad。

和他们站在一起，好像很矛盾。。
好像在刮花自己新买,心疼的 Lamborghini Gallardo。
把里面的 4.2l, V8 engine，自己点火炸成粉。
被人家强奸的感觉，大概是这样的感觉吧。。

整个早上，影子都没一个。
应为阴天。。
很想念那猛烈的太阳。。
把我心里的黑暗，都照亮起来。

Yik，今天带了他不懂哪位亲戚的 DSLR。
是一台 Canon。
说真的，今天是我第一次，用以个有 lens 的 DSLR。
所以，今天可说我和相机有缘分。
应该派了几百张照片，还没到一千。
现在要等 Yik，把照片放上 Facebook。

阿茶今天睡迟了，所以很迟才来。
来了后，带了给我些不好的消息。
听了，心会碎掉那种。
但是，心碎不是应为他人的背叛，还是什么不祥的事发生。
而是，心碎 - 因为自己是那么的愚蠢，那么的天真 - 那么的矛盾。
简单的翻译，“我做了人生最大的错误。”
这个错误后果，不但是伤了令一个人的心，
还伤了自己。

我受到的教训就是，“我还没准备好。”
结果使得两败俱伤。
自己还没认识爱，就不管三七二十一，就跳进火种。

为什么，需要伤了，才知错?
早早就该看到了。
早早就该知道了。
真的很对不起你。

我，其实，还是个很天真的孩子。
整天只会躺在床上做梦，也不会行动去追求。

不知道什么时候才准备好。
但是，暂时不是现在。
现在，我想把这些放一边。
我中学生活就要结束了，就让我开开心心地过吧。
我不想离开后，有什么悔恨。

还有，说道 “恨”。
上个 post 的人，我原谅你了。
叫我一起去教堂，可以。
喝茶，可以。
打羽球，no thanks。

AARRGGHH~!

2010-07-17T18:14:00.003+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

今天，碰巧遇到了一个我这一生最不想见到的人。
不是 Mr 错。
不是紫杨性起的时候。
也不是硕彦性起的时候。。

是。。他
他叫什么名字，我也不懂。
我希望我这一生，也不需要懂。

他。
活到今天，遇到的每一个人，
都比他好，100倍！
就算是性起的硕彦也没这样令我讨厌他。

身为一个基督教徒，真不想这样想他。
但是，他真是令我忍无可忍。
看到他，勉强笑。
可能，这是一场教训。
讨厌一个人。。原来，是那么地难受。

看到他，真想吐。。
看到他的马仔，我更想吐。
他们好像一点自尊也没有。
好象　上瘾了 SM 得人
给他骂了，反而会开心？？
给他说的想狗一样，还可以笑着？

我怀疑，是不是他给钱人家跟他?

在我心目中，可说是 evil version 的硕彦。
因为他很有领导能力。
他有很多马仔？
不明白为什么会有将多人跟他交往。

第二，他很好胜。
他有时那种很想赢，每一次也会赢得。
不是说到，作不出。
做起事来，的却很厉害。
*鼓掌*

第三，他很。。。大方？
不喜欢，就会说出来。
不管会不会上到对方的心。
嘴巴，真的很毒。

这个人，真的不明白为什么这个人还会有朋友？
也许，他很重视兄弟。。
但是，看他这样踩踏别人的心。。
真的会令人想。。 “他是人吗？”

这个人 - 最令我忍受不了的，
也是个基督教徒。

第一次认识他，那一天，在我心里，很深刻。
那一天。。

就是硕彦约我去 Teo 羽球场打羽球。（硕彦，你一定记得他）
和他第一次打羽球，是我人生，打得最辛苦的一场。
有时，球来得时候，
不知道要往球打。。
还是要把羽球牌往他丢。
那时，我一直打，他就一直骂。。
很拔炮的样子。

受不了。
当时我生气到整身都发热。
一般的羽球场都是很热的。
当时，我没打多久
我可以感觉到，心跳加速，流在血管里的血，是100度C 的。
好象发烧的感觉。。
开始头晕晕了。。

受不了了。
他年纪比我小。
个子也比我小。
怎么好象一直听到他 - 骂我？

哇！！
当时我的耐心，真的剩下一根细细的线。。
就快断了。

打完球我也快点回家。
走向脚车的路途中，
真想用拳头给他一个 Farewell Kiss。

Things that might change my life

2010-07-15T23:41:00.003+08:00

1. Playing basketball/football.
These games involves a certain number of players.

Passing to someone, means you trust him.

Being passed to, means you are entrusted.

It's a game of mutual trust.
And, it's also a question whether if you dare to take the risk/chance.

2. kawad

It's uniform. It's united.

It's all, in one.

Everyone has worked hard together, toiled together, to achieve something together.

The feeling of perfection, of perfect harmony, when tens (maybe hundreds) come together, unified. Doing the same footwork, the same routine, the same drills.

When people look at us, they don't look at an individual.
They see us as a team, as one.
We are one.

We shout.
We stomp.
We march.
We stand.
We salute.. together.

It's the greatest feeling ever.
The pain-in-the-legs,
The fiery hot sun..
Whatever it is,
... even if that feeling is just temporary.

It's damn worth it.
Every second of it.

3. National Service (PLKN)

I want to live a few days like a soldier.
To know what it's like.

Then, perhaps the habit of me, always being late, will be changed.

I want to kawad!
I want to shoot from my M16!
I want to run an obstacle course.
I want to hike, climb, run, fall down and maybe get a few cuts and bruises.
I want to be yelled at! (wait, i'm not sure)
I want to be buffed!
I want to shave my head!!
And many other crazziee things!

BWAHAHAHHA..

I can't wait for PLKN 2011!

Then again, I don't want to have too high hopes.

They say, if you want something really much, you're more likely not going to get it.

So, trying not to think too much about it.. =,=

4. You

Already did (change my life).

Thanks.

2010-07-14T23:27:00.002+08:00

哈哈！我的电话又好回了。
跌了一下，就可以发短讯了！

哈哈。不知为什么感觉上很有成就感。
虽然知道，自己也没做到什么。。

报告

2010-07-14T18:10:00.002+08:00

首先，我要报告的事就是我的电话已经崩溃了？
发不到短讯。但是还可以拿来听歌和打电话。
怎么会这样？
3：30 还可以发短讯给紫杨说我不能跟他喝茶了。

到了5：30，却不可以发了！
那时的我，真的很想把电话都丢出窗外呢。。
修理了后，我会再次报告吧。

报告二，就是我已经 delete 了我的 facebook account 了。
在过 12 天，就会永远消失。

之所以这么做是应为
1。有很多我不想给人看的照片，在我的 ID。
（不是怕不能 remove tag，而是怕来不及！）
2。最近还有些关于 facebook 的 privacy policy，改得很不公平。
3。 facebook　很容易让人上瘾。久久开一次，还好。
有时突然有什么新的游戏，就得每天连续开。
4。 facebook 很浪费时间。
一开了，就不知不觉，让几个小时的时间飞了。
要想回之前在哪几个小时内做什么，也忘了。
那不是很无聊吗？

ok 啦。其实，给了 4 个理由，只有上两个 ‘boleh pakai' 而已。
下面两个，是看自己可以不可以控制自己罢了。

也许有人会想我的行动很自私。
那，我也没什么可以做。。你想怎么想就怎么想。
Delete 了，也可以再 create 过的。
所以，朋友们别担心。
等适合的时间，我会再 create 一个 account。
create 了，一定会 add 回你们每一个。
这不是理所当然的吗？？

##对不起！回不到你的短讯了~

成绩出炉了！

2010-07-10T00:24:00.002+08:00

题目原本想写 ‘初小’？
之前好像在哪里听过。
情爱的读者，会写吗？
不好意思，麻烦你们写写看~

今天早上拿了成绩才知道自己成绩是那么烂。（是这个‘烂’吗？）
我的平均的 point，才 3.04！哼！！
不爽，差你很远。。
你的 3.90 好像难以相信。
哼！ 4.00 是我的目标。

其实，今天拿了成绩也不会很失望。
父母亲也没怎样。
朋友们也没怎样。
就灵慧了些东西。（‘灵慧’写对吗？）
是什么东西，我很想写。。
写了又檫，真的不知道怎么解释。

刚刚因为太得空，就去了 Apple Store 看看。
平时，在 e-mail 收到什么 Apple 的广告，看也不看，就 Delete 了。
就只怕会发生这种事。
结果，还是发生了。。
我，爱上了 iPod。
iPod Nano, iPod Shuffle。
这两个，不知道该选哪一个。

iPod Nano 唯一吸引我的，就是它的 Pedometer。
我很想 Record 自己（和它）走了几步。
对于他的 Video Recording，我也不是很稀罕。。
有的颜色，Shuffle 也有。。
我喜欢 Shuffle 因为：
1. 可以 clip 在服装上。
2. 颜色很吸引我。(有我要的 pink，但有想买 silver）
3. 很小。
4. 很可爱。
5. VoiceOver 好像很酷，使得 Shuffle 上没有任何的按钮。

另我担心的，也是这个 VoiceOver 的 function。
很怕会很麻烦。。
而且也因为这个 function,不可以轻易换耳机。
只规定要用它的耳机，因为它的按钮都在耳机上。

很想买！
Shuffle 还是 Nano？
还是要等下个 Generation 的 Shuffle 出？
还是要买我一向渴望的 15-inch MacBook Pro？
哎呀，早知刚刚不应该上 Apple Store 看。。

。。
Kenny, 你应该是在笑着吧？
自己采进陷阱里了。

Kenny 的 Nano，恐怕就要有“兄弟”了。

哈哈。。
好象自前有过这个经验。
和 Kenny 买了一样的 MP3，
然后两个 MP3 的结局也一样 - 就是给洗衣机，谋杀了。

Kenny，我该怎么办？

哈哈哈。。

Time-Out

2010-06-29T23:21:00.004+08:00

Dear Trashcan(my blog),

I'll see you again, end of July.
If it isn't anything special, I won't be using you for a month.

I'll be back, promise.

Cordially,
Your Owner.

Farewell, Anita.

2010-06-27T01:26:00.005+08:00

昨天晚上为我们班上，校里唯一的 Foreign Exchange Student。
她来到这里，应该已经达到了愿望。
就是要尝试亚洲的风俗自惯。
相信她是个很聪明的人。
来了一次，她应该只错了。
最好回到自己国家，跟朋友们说不要来马来西亚。
这我相信她一定会做到。
〉但我也希望，昨天晚上会留下深刻的回忆给她。
永别了！

平时，和一个人，没什么话题。。
会感觉到，很可惜，两个人，就差了一点默契。
我也想过，若你更深入认识我，或许，你也不会接受我。
可能我思想中的恋爱，是只存在在小说里内。
突然和你没话题时，就会问：“这个算[配]吗?"
两个人，没什么共同点，（在我心里）就好像拉远了？
ok, 我承认，我想很多。
这些问题，我现在不问，以后也会问吧。。
或许，我太介意别人的看法。
很怕，给心爱的人认识后，再派侧？
哈哈，但是如果给我机会认识你，我因该会更珍惜你。（哈哈，不肯定的哦~)

和我的兄弟们也是。
要是10年后，我们还可以做兄弟吗？
我怕我对你们，好像不太重要了，然后给忘了。
我人生最怕，就是给人家忘了。
曾经发过一场白日梦，这世界上，没有一个人记得我了。
走在街上，看到自己兄弟，他却不认得你。
真想拿起一把刀，解决掉这个失去意义了的生命。

* *

昨天，我和一班好友，坐在一圈，玩了很多无聊的游戏。
而且，是我曾经玩过，最有趣的，无聊游戏。
昨天晚上，在我心里，对我最深刻的。。
就是那个羊扒。哈哈。。
我不知道这一世，还会不会有机会吃到那么美味的 homemade 羊扒。
从今天起，我每一次想到羊扒，我一定会想到 - 邓伟衡厨师。

第二！对我最深刻的经验，是我们最后，做在一起，
玩 Truth or Dare。
这个游戏能够让大家，更深入了解大家。
我发现到，昨天晚上后，我感觉到更疼爱这一班 "兄弟"。
这种，我一生没尝试过的，亲密感。
家里没有，幼儿园没有，小学没有，现在终于找到了。
我很珍惜大家的勇气说话，我也希望大家能接受我的看法。
大家身上也有不同的优点，和缺点，但是大家都能接受大家。
就算是之前有暗恋过，之前有恨过。
一切的秘密，都"摆上台"，不怕给人派侧。
就算有是同性恋，就算是很固执，就算是多么的欠打。。

"我们都是一家人。。"
兄弟，你们记得吗？

这个游戏，Truth or Dare，
说真的，很需要勇气。
而且，轮流讲，也会比较好。
哈哈。。

感觉上，好像多了几个哥哥，弟弟，姐姐，妹妹！
感觉上，轻松得多。

一个字 = "爽"

下次，我想和兄弟们来一场 Truth or Dare。

逃

2010-06-24T22:28:00.004+08:00

最近我整个人好像怪怪的。。

要做什么也做不成。
每天只想睡觉，睡饱了，就肚子饿，吃饱了，就继续睡。
过两天就是这样，像猪一样。

去到学校，不知道是不是换了课室的问题。
感觉上很不爽，就很想闭上眼睛，让时间过，等放学。
“放学。。放学。。放学。。”

跟你有没有关系？我也不清楚。
。。你现在，也是这样吗？
恐怕，我们这场游戏玩到太大了吧。。
搞到两败俱伤的，真不好意思。
希望过几天，一切的伤，也会好。。（奉耶稣基督之名）

现在，我想应该是太久没运动了吧？
昨天，Account 补习后，就迫不及待穿上我的 Nike，
往外面，无方向地跑。
耳朵塞着耳机，让音乐炸着耳朵，
掩盖到心里一切烦恼，一切混乱。。
耳边的音乐让自己的脚步声都掩盖了
脑海里一片空白，心里感觉很宁静，脚步也轻松地多。

跑了不久，思想也开始漂浮。
想到很多无聊的东西。。
想起之前做过的傻事，说过的话，做过的事。。
不禁对自己说一声：“Walao eh"
人生真的很精彩。
比自己听过的，读过的，看过的，
更精彩。

不断逼自己跑快一点，跑到脚痛，也要继续跑。
好像在被狗追地逃跑。
逃啊，逃啊。。
有试过跑到手麻痹吗？
因该是因为血液来不及把氧气送到手里，
血送到脚时，氧气已经用完了。
感觉很刺激哦~
现在我双脚好酸哦！

哎~。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

10：30am 了。
是时候做点事。。

哈哈哈，自从知道你的成绩是多莫地厉害，
我也想努力一番。。
这样，分手会有意义。
而且，再见时，会有点成绩给你看~
然后对你说：“你，改变了我的一生。。”
（用华文说，好像不够力。。）
或者："You have changed my life, forever."

哈哈。。想太远了吧？
算我在发白日梦吧。
你不用管太多。 = =

***

Okey!
SPM 还有 (没错的话）81 天。
时间也不多了。
半年也算过了。
80 天够我读到 Straight A+ 回来吗？
然后剩下一天，我想有个 Movie Marathon。。哈哈！

残。
明天有 Anita Farewell PARTY
不去不可以。
不是因为 Anita 啦，而是为了要吃。。
伟衡特别做的羊扒！(Vi Hang's Special Lamb Chops!)
总之，让伟衡做厨师，不用怕没好料吃。。
第二最期待，就是伟衡答应过我的，
有红酒喝！

瓦老。。羊扒配红酒。。
因该穿套西装去吗？
总之，明天不去，就是我人生最大的损失！
一定。要。去！
早一点去。。。
SAPU 羊扒，KERINGKAN 红酒。
BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!! (又发白日梦）

p.s.
I'm happy, too.

还真有意思

2010-06-21T23:14:00.003+08:00

这是无缺从浪子哪里偷得~很有意思~

什么叫兄弟？

就是在你最需要他的时候，他出现，不一定他能帮到你，但是他出现了，站在你旁边，
永远陪着你哭陪着你笑陪着你受苦。

兄弟就是没事的时候对着竖起中指嘴里靠来靠去有事的时候第一个跳出来帮助你的人。
兄弟就是平时对你骂骂咧咧号称见你就烦但你烦的时候可以陪你抱着啤酒坐到天亮的人。
兄弟就是除了媳妇什么都可以说咱的的人。

曾经的朋友，会因为各种各样的原因不能一直在一起，可能是家庭，或者是婚姻，即便
是你的父母孩子，也不可能永远陪在你身边。真正能跟你永远在一起的，只有你自己，
乐观一点，或者说是运气好一点，还有一个会一直一直爱你，并且被你一直一直爱着的
人~~~

我跟兄弟什么都说，什么都一起做，也闹别扭，也拼命，特别爱猜码＠＠＠

兄弟是什么

（概述）
兄弟是不管白酒红酒啤酒黄酒奉陪到底的人，
兄弟是国事家事公事私事好事坏事无所不谈的人，
兄弟是打麻将保龄羽毛球乒乓球拖拉机随叫随到的人，
兄弟是你找他吃饭、他却因为mm不同意不能参加、而一再道歉、说“下次我做东”的人

（mm）
兄弟是见到一个好mm就想到“哎，这个mm适合介绍给谁谁谁”的人
兄弟是关键时候帮你说一句话能协助你泡mm的人
兄弟是为了陪兄弟而得罪自己mm的人
兄弟是帮你想办法怎么修理你mm她才能更听话的人

（钞票）
兄弟是有个好的idea就告诉你然后大家一起努力一起发财的人
兄弟是知道你有难处自己四处借钱却难以启口要你还钱的人
兄弟是得到100块意外之财就花500块钱和你一起庆祝的人
兄弟是钱包掏出大把大把钞票心在流血嘴上说“不过如此嘛”的人

（处事）
兄弟是把你曾经和他说过的某件事情牢记在心念念不忘经常提起的人
兄弟是酒后毫不留情的批评你做的错事情的人
兄弟是会和你聊天给你很多人生指导的人
兄弟是明知道即将发生有些伤害你的事情却不知道该怎么告诉你，比你还着急比你还难
受的人

（解围）
兄弟是明知道你做错了当着外人的面也要说你是正确的人
兄弟是你半夜12点和他说你很不爽他就能买了酒买了小菜打车过来找你的人
兄弟是动用七大姑八大姨帮你摆平事情的人
兄弟是看到你有委屈而主动出面替你报打不平的人

（衰人）
兄弟是屡次被你灌翻喊着不喝了却每次又都继续被灌翻的人
兄弟是屡次打麻将输钱说再也不打了却每次三缺一的时候都出现的人
兄弟是酒后说着以后你老婆孩子和家里小强都由我来照顾的人
兄弟是抢着麦克风和你比谁唱的更难听的人

友谊之间也需要呼吸,往往太熟悉的时候,需要疏远,需要从零开始,回到结实的当初.只有
屡次的疏通友谊,那样才会更加完美,更加有情味,往往太熟悉的之间，会出现一些不必要
的发生,会因为一点小事而闹着分开,其实那很简单,它需要呼吸了,咱们还是从刚认识开
始把.让我门之间的友谊换一下新鲜的空气,等在结合的时候,我想更有亲切感,更会珍惜
对方.不会因为小事而闹散伙.

同意的朋友帮忙顶一下~~~~~
Posted by №逍遥[浪子] at 10:06 AM 0 comments

这是从无缺那里，copy paste 的。
读过了，虽然有一些不明，但读得明的，我觉得还真有意思。
看了，也傻傻对自己笑，想起以前和我的兄弟曾有的回忆。

我 copy, paste 了这个 post。
因为我觉得，我也许有很多点，可能做不出。。
但我很想有些这样的一班兄弟啊~
尽量吧。。
生命中，没有兄弟，生活不是会很无聊？
就算要做世界上最无聊的事，和兄弟一起做，我会觉得是人生最有意义的。

strawberry初恋

2010-06-21T00:06:00.005+08:00

哈哈。。傻眼了。不懂该写什么。。

“哈哈。。”。。那时，我和她之间发的简讯，每一封，都是“哈哈”开始。
傻笑。。因为承认自己很傻。。

不知道该不该说，但我觉得这是值得分享的。

我也很想分享，我这段甜蜜的初恋。
哈哈哈。。不要介意我写得太肉麻，谈恋爱就是要肉麻吗~

我认识的“她”，第一个让我注意到的，就是她的外表。
或许很多也会反对，但我觉得，他可以做明星。。哈哈。。

后来更认识她。。
给我感觉她很成熟，也很幽默。
很聪明，也很谦虚。
很勤劳，又可靠，就她办事就不用操心。
说话温柔，也很体贴。
每一句，是鼓励或安慰，说得我也五体投地。
在我失败时，另我感到骄傲。
和她一起，要伤心都难。
哈哈，camp 的最后一天，我还想，如果能娶她，做我一生人的同伴。。
我就不是天下最幸福？

第一天 camp 里，分组后，第一眼看见她，就开始注意。
那时，也没什么特别注意。
就像看美女而已，哈哈。。很好看，不是看咯。 xD
过后，越认识，就越。。喜欢。
天才园地，我和她演情侣时，不知道还多尴尬叻。。
我外表看起来，很冷静，但心理好像。。火山爆发地震海啸都连续发生，站着也不是很稳。哈哈。。
其实，我演的不好，可说是应为看到她，什么都忘了。。哈哈哈！她的错咯~

哈哈哈。。

Camp 后，就 add 了她 FB。
心理也有一点战争，不懂应该不应该add 她。。

过后，我才知道，她是在Pontian, Johor 的 MRSM 读书。
她在那里住宿舍的。
不可以有手提电话，又没有Internet。
假期后，她也得回去那个“监狱”。

6月19号晚上，
她就给我来了一个短讯。
"Sleep dy?"

不知怎样，就认不住。。
然后，也改叫她做 "dear.."
那时，什么肉麻的话，都说出来了，哈哈。。
恨不得想把整个"Sonnet 18" 念出来给她。。哈哈哈。。

最可惜的，就是，我不能看到，我跟她表白时，她的样子。。
一定很红的。。哈哈哈。。
因为当时，我也差不多要发烧了，整个脑在 steam 着的感觉。
尤其是等她回我的短讯，脑也熟了。

我和她不同，就在发短讯吧。。
我个人不是很喜欢 sms 咯。。
我不想阿茶，可以和他女朋友，早上sms到晚上。
她就是可以不停地 sms。
我也陪他，sms 什么废话。

第二天，谈恋爱。。
也不算第二天吧。。
我在20号凌晨表白的。。哈哈啊。。
（I can't believe i'm writing this out..)
那天就是星期日，
早上起身，头还点晕。
好像喝醉酒的感觉。。
去到教堂。。。哇，一直不能专心。。
做什么也不能专心了。。哈哈哈。。
那天是父亲节，也差点忘了。。

甜甜蜜蜜的，就过了一天.. like strawberries.

她说她要做 pediatrician。。
“Pediatrics is the branch of medicine that deals with the medical care of infants, children, and adolescents.”

哈哈，显示到，她很喜欢小孩子。。

"Every good story, must have a good ending"
我的恋爱的结局，也差不了多少。
我和她的恋爱，非常短暂的。

这也是我对她最欣赏的，就是她也很懂事。
知道，现在开始谈恋爱，就是最错误的。
这个恋爱，必须了断，为了大家。

分手，也是她先说的。
"is time to 分手 lo"
其实，我们早就打算过了，
这次恋爱只是玩玩而已，
只不过，谈了24小时。
可说，我人生最开心的，也是最心疼的。
我也想过，谈恋爱，感觉上好像整个世界，已经不重要了。
这样想，对的起父母吗？

分手，是之前已经 plan 了。

每想到，到了那个时候，是那么的困难。
不知道，她打了那个短讯，是什么感受？
她过后的短讯，都是在安慰我，根本看不到她的感受。
是不是在隐瞒？

我也不知道要真么回那封短讯。。
我只是，对这我打得
"Ok"
呆着而已。。不敢发。。
就很想站在那儿，哭。

呆着，也忘了回她。
她就来一个
"Thanks for not replying me."
我就知道，
伤心的，不只我一个。
为了她，我也不可以这样。

想起来，也可笑。
第一个晚上，开心得睡不着。
第二个晚上，伤心得睡不着。
想哭，也哭不出。

但，我没后悔。
伤心是难免的。
我的初恋，每一刻都是甜的。
也来不及吵什么架。
我很开心，怎么哭？

我永远不会忘了这段感情。

我也还没和朋友说到，
不知怎么开口。

写了下来，因该会比较容易明白。
我们分手了！

可能，永远也不会在见面了？

"Okay. But don't let me see you again after this. Or else i'm going to make you my wife. =D"

哈哈。。再见咯。。

做傻事

2010-06-15T11:26:00.003+08:00

真好玩。

昨天晚上，一时兴起，就晚上，出去跑步。
结果，在 Cheralfyn 家后，碰到一只狗。
只狗个子，也不会太大。
一直向我大声地吠。

真是的，我的心，差点就要跳出我的胸膛。
双脚感觉好像变成了豆腐，软弱又不能动，
连站着的力，也差点没了，就倒在那里。
但是，我知道，倒下后，后果也许会更恐怖。
自己的心跳，也可以在耳边听到。
又怕，又紧长。
我眼光光，站在那里，看着它。
他也不敢前进，我也不敢退后。
两个，好像一见钟情，就愣住了。

我就慢慢地向后退。
它也慢慢地拉近距离。
后来，转了一个弯后，就不管三七二十一，20步便两步。
跑到脚很痛，也继续跑。
跑到回家，没开大门，直接跳墙进去。
。。想起来，这次的经验还蛮刺激的吗~
觉得自己很傻，但是。。哈哈。。

我没后悔。

今早和阿茶，伟衡和他的弟弟，Villiam 去游泳。
游了20分钟，玩水30分钟。
游水累了，不是玩水咯。
由于受到媒体影响，
就想到，很想试试。。

想不到，我比他更差。
backflip后，背后撞到墙。
现在背后有点酸酸。。

哈哈。只后悔，为什么没做的好一点。
啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊啊！

很爽！

My purpose in life

2010-06-14T18:47:00.002+08:00

看今天有人特别来问我，我人生的目的是什么。
恨不得。。恨不得。。
。。。写一个post 给他看。

哈哈哈。。
首先，我想说说今天发生的事。
因为我不喜欢忘记东西，而我天生就很善忘。。

今天一早，很闷。
翻一翻书，就觉得更闷！
然后就拖妈妈，载我去修理脚踏车。
已经几天了，脚踏车后面轮子 pancit 了。（pancit 华文叫什么？）
好像人生很不自在。
要去哪里，要别人载。
又好像很不爽做车。哈哈。。

11点早上，妈妈正在教弟弟弹钢琴。。
看着弟弟，正学得不耐烦的，想起我以前和妈妈学钢琴。
好不容易。。妈妈又很凶。。 =X
记得她时常强调，要弹得有感情~~
但，我弹的时候，一点感情也没有。。 ==
唯一的感情，就是伤心，悲惨的感情。
一直弹错，又一直要挨骂。
当时的我，差一点每一次和妈妈练秦时，都是哭着离开。
现在我的弟弟比我厉害得多！
给妈妈骂了，有时还会顶嘴！顶了还要转回来，骂回妈妈。
很想一巴就下！
以前，不管妈妈是对还是错，给她骂时，就要静静给她骂。
哎~ 我的弟弟真是的。。
看他那又白又圆的脸，真么能忍受？
不要说一巴掌，我看到他，就很想紧紧地抱着他，当他是我的抱枕。xD

修理脚踏车，就去“打机”，然后和阿茶去吃午餐。
原本想去游泳，但我又很懒惰，最后也放弃了这个 ... (idea)

扩了，往梦想的第一步。
尽然拿起圣经出来读。
哇，写这个part很难。。
In my life, I never ever thought of seriously reading the Bible for once.
A guy like me, inconsistent and lazy. I don't really care about this.
Dr. Will Pantin, preacher of my church today, made me realize,
how reading the Bible can really build character, and it is also a form of communication with God.
You also want to make sure, that everything you do, and all the choice you make, is really approvable to God.
I'm not sure how true is what he say, but I want to try.
I want to believe, that what he say is true.

摸着摸着，就来到这里。。写部落格。。

* *

我觉得，我这个人，很怪。
平时别人问我，长大要做什么？
我就会说:“不懂"
但是爸妈都要我做医生。
对于这一点，我也没什么意见。
就回答：“看情形咯”
我对任何东西，也没有特别有兴趣。

但是有件事我可以很确定的说。。
“我喜欢开心的感觉”
另到我开心的东西有很多，但能够继续永远给我开心的东西暂时还没找到。
好像，玩电子游戏，很快就会闷。
所以，我对一个东西，很容易产生好感。
好像一首歌，因为太喜欢，每天就不断地听。
然后，很快的就会闷。闷了，就早别的歌。
有时候，对听歌的兴趣也会减少。

回到正题。
“我人生的唯一目的，就是耶稣。”
吓到了吧？
其实，我也想说：“我人生目的，就只是想追求幸福快乐”
但是，我怕我会开心到闷了！
好像有预感，追求快乐中，我会“迷路”。
若一个人一天给我白粉，我可能会去吸。
因为，我这一生一直对自己说要追求快乐，而被追求的过程盲目了。

其实，我这么说，也许听起来，好像很伟大？
我并没说我不会犯错，千万别那么想我。
也别那么想任何人。
不要给我太大的期望吧。。
我也是人。

我只是觉得，选择耶稣，是最逻辑的。
耶稣也要我快乐，要我尊崇祂。
我不想犯错。我不想伤害任何人。
所以，我想相信，为了耶稣，我想让朋友知道。。
我因为祂，在人生的改变。
希望你们会被感动到。。
一天，希望你们会被救吧？

有时，我也是会忘了我这人生的目的。
为什么要想呢？想了只给自己增加麻烦。
其实，当我想到我人生目的，我反而有了希望。
对未来而希望，盼望。。神会利用我，让我的每份每秒都过得有意义。
这是我哥哥说过的，现在也便成了我的盼望。
就他这句，让我的人生，好像亮起来了。

我也有想过，要好像蜡烛，燃烧自己，照亮别人。
但是，我也说过。
我又懒惰，又inconsistent。
很想做，但也做不到。
I'm trying.

我有想过做朋友们想象中的最好的朋友。
然后，我发现，我怎么尽力，也无法达到每个人的要求。
很多，包括我，也不爱做功课。
就因有这些共同点，我们感情会拉得更亲密。
因为，大家都做大家喜欢的事，大家才开心。
也有东西，他喜欢做，我又不喜欢做。
两个人，一个爱打羽球，一个爱打篮球。
还能做朋友？可以~
但是，这种友情，能耐多久？
5年？10年？
离开校园后？
不是每天会见面了，还会做朋友？
哎。。这些事，我也不想想那么多。
最重要，现在，我们要开心！
做我们人生最想做的。

现在，我想去 Gelora 跑步。
晚上在Gelora跑步，什么感觉？
勇气~~ 去了哪里啊？

哈哈哈。。写出来了，
好像有了一点勇气。。
也许，我真的会去。
呵呵~ 再想一想吧。。

我爱 Happy.

2010-06-13T14:19:00.002+08:00

Happy是我人生最好的朋友。我很珍惜每和她在一起的时间。
和她在一起，给我生活，
有了满足感，
有了盼望，
有了希望。

没有她，人生好像每秒都要挨过。
有了她，时间就如急水，
看着她留，我也无能为力。

所以，我决定要爱她，
每天盼望她，追求她。
然后，奇迹就会发生。

"Cheers, to being HAPPY."
（若我把以上这句，改写成华文，会很怪吧？）

我不会对你真心的说

2010-06-13T08:15:00.004+08:00

“对不起”。

这三个字背后，掩藏着一个承诺。
那就是永远，不会再重重复自己的错误的承诺。
我自己心里也知道，这，是不可能的事。
说了后，做不到，反而会造成加倍的伤害。

要说，就要负起责任。
不要说，也许要有勇气。
说了，但又不是真心的，就只不过要安慰对方，让对方接受你。。
自己也觉得会过得好一点。

最后，决定在你手中。

排名第二，最大影响力的三个字。（第一名的也不用我说）

“对不起”，该说？不该说？
我想知道，你怎么想。。

* *

简单的盖寡昨天的事。
我去了 Kenny 的家。
因为大家都很闷，没事做。

重点　：我整个晚上没睡觉，为了要玩　"The Sims 3"
晚了整个早上，
头晕晕，肚子空空，
我却可以撑到明天，什么都不做，
只是眼光光对着荧幕。
朋友常说：“读书能酱就好咯！”

学到的东西。
１。　生孩子很麻烦。有了孩子，每天只是要照顾他，什么也不用做了。
２。　不要玩火。
３。　最好不要太早娶妻子。
４。　其实，我们的时间，够不够用，是看你的。
５。　凡事也不要急。
６。　玩游戏前，该读一读 Manual.
7。　当有了梦想，就别睡那么多。　睡眠有的 ganti, 机会却没有。

承诺

2010-06-12T02:02:00.004+08:00

刚刚才打破自己打字速度的记录，只是第一次，就破了记录。
过后，要达到那个速度也难。

6月11日，（晚上）
去cool后，就和耀去吃附近马来档的汉堡包。
他吃的是Daging Double, 而我只吃 Daging Single.
分别只是多了一块肉而已。。
那天晚上，陪着晚上的冷风和毛毛雨。
感觉超爽，我们又谈起心事来了。

和耀在一起，一定谈起很多心事的。
当然，我们也一直有很多问题。
他的问题，有些我本身也有，所以我很容易明白。
人生，很多问题我也不能找去答案来。
没办法，生活上的一切，不是由我们的意思去活的。
只能接受。
我们只是 player, GM 说 “一”，我们能说 “二” 吗？
这是 GM 的世界，要玩，就要跟他的规则。
不爽？可以不要玩。

其实，我对这个“游戏”，也没什么兴趣。
只知道，每当我睁开眼睛，我就 'log-in' 了。
睡觉时就 'log-out'。
也许，我爱睡觉的原因是这个吧。
我就是不想玩下去了。
我也不知道，我 'log-in' 是为了什么。
**我已经不期待明天了。（你有这种感觉吗？）
也许，你们很喜欢玩这个“游戏”吧？
我就觉得我 'log-out' 后的世界，比这个“游戏”更好玩。

好像听过别人说，“人生，就是在追求自我满足”。
所谓的 “自我满足” 。。
我自己也不知道是什么。
我很想，有那种 "Live like we're dying" 的生活。
但，还是没有勇气。
好矛盾。
都知道生活到很闷，也没有勇气去改变。
没有这个勇气，感觉好像在用自己双手扼死自己。
因为很矛盾..

如果只为自我满足而活，这世界会不会变成很冷漠？
大家都为自己而活，那不是等于自私自利？

（在这里，我要记念我对自己做了的承诺）
泽融，你可别忘记，刚刚在写以上的内容后，所做的承诺。

我会尽力的。

新的template!

2010-06-12T01:27:00.003+08:00

哇！现在blogger出现了新的东西。让我更容易换我的template了。

换了这个template,就不要换了拉。好麻烦叻。
我觉得这个TEMPLATE也蛮不错的呀。。

还有东西想问问朋友。。
template, 华文叫什么？

小小的手

2010-06-11T00:47:00.005+08:00

哎呀!我的相机现在修理。我有想过要在着次假期，做些东西，拍起来放 FACEBOOK。

算了，不知道还要不要一个人去SENDO？如果拍不到美味的日本料理，让你们全部妒忌我，好像没什么乐趣了。

我有想过这个假期要真么过，但好像全都给忘记了。
该做什么好？每天好像都有点闷。
很想做些新的东西。

要做。。要做。。要做。。什么？
哈哈哈哈。。

盼望明天的感觉，去了哪里？
生活，没有盼望明天的感觉，感觉很，无奈。
小小的手，虽然握不到什么梦想。。
但是，我小小的手还有自由。
长大了后，手大了，需要付上的责任也会自然多。
大家对你的期望很大。
"With great power, comes great responsibility"

我现在，没什么能力去创造什么奇迹。
但是，这是做青年的好处。
没什么经验，没什么能力。
有的却是青年的动力，
青年的自由，
现在这个“无忧无虑的生活”，
看不到吗？

那么急着长大?
年轻只有一次，只有20年。
后来，就要开始打工，赚钱，养家（人生下一个阶段）30年？
退休了，大概50-100岁。
要做什么，也许来不及了吧？
要不是现在做，要等什么时候？

我，不想长大叻。

Camp 回来了

2010-06-09T22:50:00.004+08:00

我的人生是真么搞的？真么一次又一次的失败？

这次，我想开始写写华语。因为：
1. 若我用英文，大家也应该会读不明。
2. 我也写到很闷，试试新的东西。

哇..打得超慢的leh.

3天2夜的camp，学到的也真不少。
除了学到[爱于性]的，还发现了自己最大的缺点。
就这一个缺点，让我无法去‘爱’。
我在camp时，不知什么时候，什么人说过，
“要爱别人，先要自爱”

人都那么大了，我也没真真去爱一个人。
就算是我的双亲，我的兄弟。
我只不过对他们有礼貌一点，还不足以称为“爱”。
对朋友们（有时）好一点，还不足以称为“爱”。
天生就很有礼貌？哈哈。。

爱。

爱是很漂亮的，
是个责任，
是要付出，
是要牺牲，
爱，不是喜欢。
爱，也不是 - 喜欢对人家好一点，就对人家好；喜欢对人家不好，就打打骂骂的。
爱，是完美，无缺的。

坦白和我说吧，你赞成吗？
是与否，可以留下一个 comment 在我的chatbox!
我想知道，你们是怎么去爱？

心情超烂叻，好像失恋了的感觉。哎hh~

ps, “烂”字有用错吗？
(不好意思啦，华语差就是这样）

爱 - 呀！

2010-06-09T18:24:00.002+08:00

If I can't love myself, I can't love anyone else.

luxury of holidays

2010-06-04T13:32:00.002+08:00

is the feeling of renewed freedom. The feeling that all the burdens in life, is temporarily set down for a period of time.

That is a feeling I could not have today. I really don't know what to do with my holidays. Too much time, and without having school to occupy my time, i'll be left with more time to stare at the wall at home, thinking about my miserable life.

I don't see what's to look forward to for holidays. It's going to be really quiet. Too quiet for me.

Everyone needs compassion

2010-06-03T15:34:00.002+08:00

com·pas·sion (km-pshn)
n.
Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

This word struck me today in my daydreams. Heh..

A word so familiar, but I was still obscure of it's meaning. All I know, it does sounds nice. Like the word "Love". I thought it would be synonymous.

A deep awareness of the suffering of another

Isn't that nice? I have always hoped for the gift of empathy. To easily tune into people's feelings through their expressions.

I'm just too dumb, i guess. When there's a group of people with you, it's hard to read all their expressions, or even react accordingly.

coupled with the wish to relieve it.

The word 'wish' could be more suitably substituted with the word 'passion'. Compassion, to be a type of passion. A passion, to love (someone).

Could I, Oh God, be the one to share this passionate love with everyone I meet? Could I, Oh God, have that courage, to throw myself off cliffs, into the pool where laughter and love is endless, and the place I have so longed to plunge in and be enveloped.

It's like staying in water, without the need to surface for air. You can stay as long as you want, in the embrace of the cool waters. I, really really want to feel that. Why can't we breathe in water? Aih..

Well, gotta go! Gotta find.. (hah).. my balls.

An inspiration, from a distance.

2010-06-02T22:58:00.003+08:00

Out of the blue, my brother tagged me in a youtube link through facebook.

http://www.youtube.com/user/PomplamooseMusic#p/c/F125407272F3C1A4/1/2vEStDd6HVY

Artist : PomplamooseMusic
Song title : Telephone (Lady Gaga)

Creating music is such a baffling way. The way the video is recorded, and how the music was composed. Every little detail, as to every sound it makes at every second, perfectly crafted.

That is what I want to call ART. The limitless realm, free for all of us to explore, immerse our mind and soul in, cherishing every sweet moment, when we bring our definition of this realm, into the reality.

Producing masterpieces such as this, nonetheless requires much effort and dedication, and not forgetting the most important key - PASSION. Something, I, really really need to work on right now. Maybe if I hadn't have so much things taking up all my time, I want to produce an art of myself.

Still, I'm not done with myself. I want to make my own body, my own mind and heart, the way I want it to be. I want myself, to be a part, of my ART.

Be the person, I want to be. Be the person, in my perspective. Be the perfection.
I'd like to believe that is possible.

****

School is playground for my heart. Going down that slide of emotions. Getting hurt, being happy. All these are necessary lessons. Such basic things that I really won't learn if I didn't attend school.

I have discovered a little secret of being in school for .. all most all of my life now. Probably a little late to discover this, but it's really exciting to know this fact.

"We are all growing, to become, what we will be."

Though i'll never know, what will be and what is to be or not. I feel a sense of excitement, that this world is changing, just as I change. Feeling like the world is moving with me, and for a moment, I don't feel too lonely.

I love school. Wait. I love MY school.

I can tell you what my school have, that I'm quite sure all you readers out there DON'T HAVE.

1. We are surrounded by palm trees. More specifically, oil palm!

Get to higher ground, and take a look around. More than half of what you see, is green. Ain't that good for the eyes?

2. BIGGG WINNDD~

Wind that really go *WOOOOOOSSSSSHHHH*

Personal experience today:
Physics paper 2 examination going on. Ending at 1:45pm. At 1:35, *WWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
A sheet of my structure questions, flew out of the window. Before I could react, it was gone with the wind.
It was a long story how I came to get another sheet, and completing that, just in time before times up.

Really, in this school, you don't really need to turn on the fan in the morning. It's supercool, every time.

3. "Great" teachers!

They come in to class during our examination, pulls out a newspaper, and reads it. That is, we're free to do what we want that time. Occasionally he'll look up, saying "please don't cheat" or something similar. But then, some students are already walking up to their partner-in-crime, cross-checking answers, filling up blanks AND sit around to chat about the American Idol and how Crystal Bowersox should've won.

These are the top 3 that I have so far. The more baffling, are unable to be leaked into public.

Jamais couard n'aura belle amie

2010-05-15T00:45:00.004+08:00

Yeeeha~! I've made a friend, like officially.

I actually asked:" Can i be your friend?"
And 'dia' said:" Okay."

Just like that. One step towards what should be.

2010-05-14T00:00:00.004+08:00

I have found a friend, from the most unlikely places. A friend, after my own heart. A friend, I only found in movies and dreams. Eventually, I found him.
He is Syamsul.

I don't know much about him, but we cliqued together almost instantly.

We have our differences in our language, behavior and thinking, but we do have somethings in common. Did not think I would find another, that has the same conscience as I do. To have a friend to think just how I think. Logically but doubtful, most of the time carefree and indifferent.

Another thing we have in common, is we are lonely. I feel I share his pain, just as much I share his happiness. At least, that's what I think I know about him. He's a frank person. A side-effect of being too chirpy and outgoing, is that people can know most of you, too fast.

I prefer silence and solitude, he prefers liveliness and laughs. I want to be more like him, but ... I'm happy being happy. I'm happy being alone too. Happy enough, sitting in my corner, left alone and let time pass me by. Sometimes I can sit quietly in my corner for hours, sometimes i just can't sit still. When I'm quiet, people think I'm arrogant? I lanci?

What do I want? Should I try to be more like him? Being him can be quite fun. ^^"

Ishh, Syamsul. He made me care again. Made me love and accept again. Made me, weak. I'm Sasuke Uchiha, he's Naruto Uzumaki. Accepting him, will be equal to accepting the whole world all over again. When I was learning to ignore, he reminded me how to care. Everything, is going to change, definitely. What, will be, of me?

Could me and Syamsul, be another two person, tied together by strings of fate and chance? Then, like all strings, wear out, loosen up and breaks. Then, drifting apart.

Aren't we all, held together by these strings?

Aren't everything else, held together by these strings? I.e our existence.

Now I feel kinda excited. I wanna find a girl just like that. Is it possible?

Confused now.

-- I wonder, how would I know that she is "the one"?
Is she the one
-that stops my heart? Or the one that speeds it up?
-that makes me happy? Or the one that likes to "SM" me?
-that is just like me? Or the one that I want to become?
-that, I can just look at for hours?
-that changes my life (like Syam)? Or the one that improves it?
-in whose presence, bleaches my world away, making everything else insignificant? (Is that possible? I'd like to think it is.)
*maybe she's a "he"!

Heheh, will it be too presumptuous of me to write? It will definitely be a beautiful experience, don't you think so?

Like they always say :" You'll know, when you know". I'll be counting on that.

For now, I just want to focus on my studies. LOL. Nono, that's not me.

I should say :"For now, I'm too lazy to care." Can't risk to love. Too big a distraction, and too risky for heartbreaks.

**My emotions fluctuated too much, too fast, in this post. LOL.

Ambivalence

2010-05-11T23:13:00.002+08:00

I learned a new word today. Accidentally bumped into it. It's like so cool!

Meaning :
1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.
2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

When I knew it's definition, I could feel the word, corresponds so well in so many aspects of me.

**

Another discovery today. I'm such a big piece of trash. So lowly of me to be in such a lowly attitude. Doing things I once considered as disgusting and never to be attempted.

Now I find myself doing the things, I warned myself against when I was a couch potato. Damn I suck. Where's the Jerome that I once thought, that would do anything in righteousness and fight for the weak?

Like a little kid, I used to think I was a superhero myself. That I could, somehow, save the world one day from UTTER ANIHILATION! Then as I grew, I knew that's not really possible. But I want to keep thinking that way, that I'm a special little superhero. xD. I need to find that 'me' back.

** Recent

Wooh! Workload piling like Mount Kinabalu. BM and BC essays tomorrow. Consisting of 3 and 5 essays respectively. Moral folio, consisting of approximately 12 essays, due the day after tomorrow. That's enough to keep me busy for awhile.

Ungrateful bastard

2010-05-04T23:52:00.003+08:00

For a moment, I really wanted to leave here. Go far, far away, and never come back.

I empathize their conviction. That at times, I feel guilty for being who I am. That's why I can never feel more light-hearted that every moment I spend away.

1 more year, I'll be moving away. Most probably to the city, maybe overseas.

People always say how when they leave home, do they learn to be homesick. Maybe I need to be taught that lesson. Now, I feel the walls of my home, suffocating me.

You throw words at me relentlessly, crushing my spirit, treading harshly over my heart. What is left here for me?

2010-05-04T16:31:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I feel my whole life, is like a ragged shield. For all my life, I have suffered many cuts, stabs, arrows and burns. It wasn't my choice to face all these conviction.

Still standing now, but not sure what life after this would be.

* * * * * * *

Everything I did started out quite well, but then I could not continue it as easily as I thought it would.

There's many things that I wanted to do.

Gah! I feel sick.

Amazing.

2010-04-30T00:23:00.003+08:00

What would you do, if you were walking out at night. The moon was big and bright, so you lift your head up to the skies and stare at the moon.

Then, from the corner of your eyes, you saw a girl standing under a lamp post.

You direct your eyes towards the girl, and then ...she's gone.

What would you do?

You know what I did? I stood there, I told myself "Jer, God is with you. Don't be afraid."

I turned around. And I RAN! I know my brothers and sisters would say that I'm a chicken. At that time, I really did felt like one. Okay, i'm a chicken.

I reached back home. I tried to recall her face. Shoulder length black hair, white shirt, thick black rim spectacles. Didn't notice the rest of her, but I could feel she was quite beautiful.. xD

"Ohh damn, did I just fall in love with.."

Can you feel my heart?

2010-04-27T17:08:00.003+08:00

Someone once said:"Life's a wall you paint". I want to paint it with vibrant colours! Colours that defines me, colours that radiates, colours that can make people smile.

These colours, are all set into your heart. Your heart is the palette of your life. It depends on what you want to paint it to become? What are your deepest desires?

What truly makes you happy?

Answer that question. Hold on to that answer. Paint the picture.

Everyone is an artist. They paint their own life's pictures. They show it to others and wants to be appreciated.

But to be considered an artist, you must know what really makes you happy. What is in your perspective 'beautiful'? What's your favourite colours? You must understand that everyone is born differently. We can't all paint the same pictures.

So let us be the best of ourselves.

A young lover once wrote about his love in such beautiful words.

"But she has been mine. I have possessed that heart, that noble soul, in whose presence I seemed to be more than i really was, because I was all that I could be."

From 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

hahahahahaha

2010-04-25T21:43:00.002+08:00

**spammed 'hahahaha' with Teh on facebook today. An unorthodox method of relieving stress, i'd say. Who can comprehend the reasons behind the actions of others that makes that action inevitable?

So, ahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha!!

It is a beautiful day. To-day, my troubles and weights are temporarily put aside. Left for tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. How ironic it is that the spring of all my joy and happiness, is also the fountain of all the pain and agony. It's baffles one's mind to think, something held so dearly, so precious to one, can hurt, cut, bleed better than anyone or anything could ever inflict.

I love.. this feeling. =D

Messed Up

2010-04-24T18:56:00.004+08:00

My life is messed up. There is none other to blame but myself. Worse still, I yet to know the solution to all this mess. Everything I touch, crumbles into the dust. It's the Hand of Mine. Whether it's some new gadget, phone or even the hearts of the people around me. I let them down too many times. One may ask, how can such a person be still existing in this world? It's like I have been living under a well. When I come out of it, I was happy and new to this world. People expect to much from a little frog like me. I'm just croaking by.

I don't know. Does it mean anything anymore? What, really matters to me?

The fact is nothing I do now, means anything to me.

What I want.. What I really want. Is the answer.

Messed Up

2010-04-24T18:56:00.001+08:00

2010-04-09T00:54:00.002+08:00

i'm listening to Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys.

Awesome guitar slicks!

Optimism has poured through my life window like sunlight at dawn. Slowly revealing it's beauty and glorious majesty.

Many things in life is inexplainable. All the happy things, sad things. I ask, why is there emotions? Why do people feel sad and happy?

But i wasn't looking for scientific explanations like whatever hormones in me is bursting out from my whatever part of my brain.

I once heard someone said, it's good to believe in God. Even if you don't really believe. Chances are you might be in Paradise one day if you believe. Or else, in a scary place you won't want to imagine. It's better than thinking that science is the explanation of everything and beyond that is just rubbish or just temporarily undiscovered.

Maybe science will reveal something that might surprise you. But before you got to see it, you've passed on. Only when you've passed on have you realized.. that, that's that.

From any viewpoint, believing in God really has it's advantages.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

I believe in God. Thus i believe everything that happens in my life is good.

It might seem bad, and go really rough sometimes, but it's for the greater good.

I get hurt all the time, so next time i'll know how to go round pitfalls in the future, which will be much, much darker and deeper.

Yes. God put people in my life. And i know one day, I won't be able to thank them enough. People to impact my life this way, no other people can.

Naming a few.. Kenneth ^^. Ricky. Kenny. Joseph. William. Romeo. Tommy.

Probably my the closest people of my life, so far.

Thanks for changing me this much already. I feel touched.

Now, let me change yours. Hahahaha.

Sad Blog post 1#

2010-04-04T21:40:00.002+08:00

I'm traumatized.
I feel betrayed, stabbed in the back, punched in the nose, kicked in my abdomen and left for dead. The word 'wasted' describes me almost perfectly.

I'm sad.
I feel distant. From God, from my family, from my friends. I am distant.

I'm still, sad.
I feel obnoxious. I want to puke. Like a rock crushing me from above. I feel light-headed, dizzy and occasionally lethargic.

I'm depressed - ugh.
I feel terrible. Utterly. Because I know it's not my fault, but it always FEELS as if it is. I know there's nothing i can do, but it always FEELS as if there is.

I'm angry.
It's like a routine in my life. I make mistakes. Apologize. Then make it again. So sick of it all, that i'm angry of it.

I'm stupid, insensitive.
People around me thinks otherwise. I find myself, not thinking rationally. So stupid, I keep getting myself back here, blogging. Lying here, half-dead in a deep, dark pit frmo the consequence of my actions.

I'm tired.
Tired of being here, feeling like this, thinking this way, doing this.

I'm smiling.
The irony of it all, is just so laughable. Funny how I keep betraying my dears, how I foolishly approach my enemies that would laugh at me, reading this post (I know they wouldn't read this). I don't want profane apologies or even their sympathy.

I'm smiling, even more.
It's a cycle of my life. I should just accept the facts. Cycling from trauma, denial, depression, isolation, then for a golden moment I was truly happy.

I'm smiling, really.
I'm happy.
I scoffed.
I sighed.
I prayed.
I'll try again.

Pray that I'll never write here again.

Spiralling

2010-03-30T01:16:00.002+08:00

Confused. My life is in a mess. It's in such a mess, i don't know anything anymore.

It's one of those times, when you just want to reply 'I don't know' to every question. Say 'Don't know' to every request, every plea.. everything.

As if someone knocked the lights out. I can't see anymore. Just sitting there, thinking, what the hell happened. Trying hard to find the source and cause, yet there is nothing i could do about it.

As much as I fear heights, I fear the future. Who doesn't worry? I'm just human. I feel everything is so unknown, so foreign. To be so detached from this world, and yet so absorbed into all its fear and worry. Yea, i lack faith.

There's a war going on in my head right now. Damn havoc. One side thinking that i'm not good enough for anything. A part of me thinks it doesn't matter. Rationally, the right answer is obvious. Ironically speaking, my mind has a mind on its own. It's fighting itself.

The darker side always wins. Making me emo all the time. Helps me make wrong decisions. Do all the possible wrong things. Think the wrong way. I'm becoming a monster, and I know it.

I'm still kinda freaked out. I'm actually afraid of myself. What I'll be capable of causing. More pain, more suffering. I just don't want to care. Yet, i'm expected to care. I must care.

I can't shut out the world from my head. Physically, mentally, i've signed a contract to this world, till my death. What Jesus did, to live in this world, accept all it's evil, continue to fight for what's right. Fighting the dark and fearful future. I admire him. Because of what he's done, I constantly look up to him.

Ironically, every time i 'look up', i see a ceiling. How i hope God would write what i need to do next, on the ceiling for me that time. All i see is a plain, white ceiling over my head. Blank.

Perhaps God is trying to say that there is no right answer. What I do, is what he has planned. There's a greater good, or at least that's what i really, really hoped for.

Sometimes I get lost in the middle of doing something. Like someone up there, has put down his controller, went out for a cup of coffee. AFK. Leaving me, the avatar, stranded, lost. No direction, no mission, no purpose. Argh!! Questions then start to fill my head. Questions that i can't answer, but keeps popping up like.. MSN spams!

Is God really .. afk in my life?

I don't know. I'm gonna ask him.

WWWWWWWWWWWWWHY...?

march holiday's scribbles #3

2010-03-20T01:34:00.003+08:00

Haha. I just read my chatbox, which lead me to go back to my last CNY post. Then, I remembered why I wrote " I love life" at the end.

Hahaha.. thanks bloggie. I think I've gotten back a bit of energy.

All these events in life can be so misleading. Leading you away from what's really important to you. What you really want. What makes you happy. What you really.. really.. live for.

When you choose your carrier, you too, must have the answers to those questions. Think it thoroughly.

Off to sleep. Times are wasting.

march holiday's scribbles #2

2010-03-20T00:51:00.002+08:00

Few more hours later, i'm going to somewhere i'm going to regret going. I told myself, before the holidays, i will not regret this. I want to go for fun. Then again, life is always unpredictable in the most outrageous ways. I'm beginning to regret.

I myself make a good example of self-contradiction. Or more commonly known amongst my circle of friends, 自相矛盾. Behinds this 4 words, is a story. I'm not going to tell the story here, because it's really long.

Today, I hurt my friend. I would really add 'accidentally', but then I would push the responsibility away. So I hurt him. I don't like this feeling. The feeling of being disliked. Almost every time i hurt someone, consciously, i'll hate myself. Then, i'll get sleepless nights. Wake up in the middle of the night, stare hard at the white wall in front of me. Thinking about the millions of 'what if..'.

Then I learned, everything I know about him is probably fake. I don't know him. What i see is probably a mask he puts on for the world. Who is he again?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I bet we're going to experience stuff like this a lot in the future eh? Every creation is special. That's why we can love, hate, hurt and comfort. I should get used to every one of these emotions. I'm already used to love and hate. I should get used to hurting to, and then comforting.

It's too much of a hassle to care so much. I've cared. I've tried. So much as i tried, I could not care for everyone. I could not care enough. I might as well not care. Save my strength.

A part of me wants to ditch my life. Run away. Hide from the world. Another part of me wants to stay. To love and be loved.

I love the solitariness, but i hate the loneliness. This phrase describe exactly my feeling right now. Yet, it's another example of 自相矛盾.

A friend reminded me of a phrase today. If people can know something beforehand, there will be no beggars in this world. It's funny how it's said. There's really no accurate prediction of the future, and we're like little butterflies. Flying around, minding our own business. Living a life so meaningless.

Damn, i'm emo-ing again. Argh. I hope when i'm happy again, i'll ask myself this question. What's the meaning of my life? Accomplishments? Appraisal? Acceptance?

Then again, some say people ask "what's the meaning of life?" only before they found true love. Hah~! I'd like to bear witness to that one day.

Another one of those times, you just feel like you want to take a long long sleep. Not wake up for another week or so. Close your eyes, put everything aside. Turn off your brain for awhile.

That's not possible, sadly.

Nevermind. I ain't going down so easily.

"Hey God, you're there rite...? ... Thanks =)"

march holiday's scribbles #1

2010-03-12T23:54:00.003+08:00

I'm blogging on the 12th of March. Today, is the eve of a good friend's birthday.

I'm perplexed.

Somehow, deep inside me. A sadness. A bond, so fragile.

A strike of fate and catastrophe, everything will be lost.

Yet the beauty of a flower is ever so enchanting. It blooms only once, then it falls to the ground.

Because of the flower, pollen grains are spread. More flowers will bloom.

Nothing is gone to waste. It is the conservation of everything.

Posted late.

Chinese New Year 2010!

2010-03-01T19:29:00.002+08:00

Ironically, it's another one of those year when you feel times are passing rocket-speed. Theoretically, time moves at a constant pace, mercilessly. Yet, I cannot wave off the feeling that times are moving really fast, and my strength is minuscule.

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." - Andy Warhol

Chinese New Year this year was definitely different from the last. There was more energy and less frustration. More angpow money, in less angpow packets. Hahah. I'm just glad I get to celebrate it with my friends this year.

"Chinese New Year, Hari Raya, Thaipusam.. happens once EVERY YEAR! SPM is only ONCE in your LIFETIME!" - Dr. Parameswary, 1st March 2010.

This year's Chinese New Year is the best of my life. I had never once regretted every second of it. Never once do i feel that i would be better of studying at home than going out collecting angpows!

I love life.

New Year Post '10

2010-01-06T18:48:00.002+08:00

Blogging is boring. I wish there was bigger words to say it. Blogging is boring. I said it again.

It's the year of 2010! Due to you-know-what, i won't be having much free time left. Even if I online, i'll probably check facebook, read blogs or interesting articles. Blogging is definitely out of the question. There's more things to read about than to write about. I'd come back to blogging, when i'm free, and more disciplined. (I'll Be Back!)

So, for now, Goodbye.

My plan for tomorrow

2009-11-11T00:34:00.002+08:00

First Choice that I have to make:
1. I finish 4 essays before 6am.
2. I go to sleep now and make someone really angry.

I made a promise to some guys at school to bring my essay book. But my essay book is gone and I'm not going to school tomorrow.

Anyways, I think i'm going to have to go with (2).

Sorry Siva & Liam.

Alright. Planning the procedure for tomorrow morning.

1. Wake up in the morning before 6.
2. Set up apparatus.
3. Go to Pelindung either by car or on foot.
4. Rendezvous with teammates at the foot of hill before 7.

Still haven't thought of any games for the beach. Awrghh!

2009-10-31T19:00:00.004+08:00

Teh, driving without drivers' license.

Praise the Lord, today is a wonderful day. It was cool and breezy. Windy but not too cold.

Today we helped Yan move his furnitures to his new house. Made so many trips back and forth that I lost count! It was so fun. I gained experience, fun, a bit of muscle aches, dust all over my white shirt and lots and lots of fun. I said fun twice on purpose ^^.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

to be continued..

Broken-hearted

2009-10-26T18:46:00.003+08:00

These days, I feel really depressed. I'm not sure if it's because I've discovered the truth, or have begun hating the lies.

Sometime ago, a friend placed his heart into my hands. He said:"I trust you". I took it, and held it dearly. I held it tight in my hands because it was something precious to both him and me.

Then the time has come where the trust has been put to the test. The path before me was thorny and rough. I endured the pain for 3 years but I had never complained. Your heart was there and it was all the motivation and comfort that I needed. When you were with me, the pain was hardly felt at all, for we endured together.

One fine day, this year, I've encountered a new type of terrain. Far more challenging and incomparable to what I have been going through for the last 3 years. It's something I had never seen or felt before. It's not rough and thorny, but soft and slippery. The path was full of deceit and lies. That fateful day, I slipped and fell. I lost hold of your heart and it fell out of my hands, smashed to smithereens.

All I can say now is that I'm sorry. I know that the damage that I have done to you can never be repaired. I do not expect forgiveness, and i'd rather you hate me. I don't blame anyone else for what I've done.

Yet, I'm still the same person that spent 3 years of sweet friendship with you.

Remember the time that we didn't do our maths homework and we were supposed to finish it under the sun? Hahhaa, i had about 10 empty pages and you had 10 filled ones. Every time a cloud blocked the sun, even for 3 seconds, we would be so happy. (Even after that experience, there'd still be empty pages in our books ==")

Then after we completed our books we went to hand in to the teacher. I remember it was you beside me. She took my book and checked through it. For some reasons I can't stop smiling, then she smacked the book into my face. "Ketawa apa?" Man, that teacher was .. but we never really cared. "Saman, saman la!"

A few times we slept in class. But because I was the one sitting in front, I'm the one that always gets the beating first. I can't stand her teaching! But then all the teachers have had a worse impression on you. So sometimes they'll just punish you more because you appear more naughty. ^^"

Remember the time I fetched you to TC on my bike and we fell into a ditch? You hit your head and i was unharmed. That's because you blocked off all the impact. Hahaha.. As I recall, we were going to TC because we heard some hot chicks were going to be there. Didn't even made it there that time. Carmen Wong was supposed to be there =X.

Remember the time we used to sing LeeHom's songs together? Not only that, you even taught me your favourite songs. Some I never even heard of until now, only from you. We used to sing in the hallways or whenever we're going somewhere together. But now you just sing less.

At least I know there's still something I can hold onto, that I know I cannot break. Memories of us.

I understand how you feel. And I know you just can't forgive me. I felt it before. The pain of being betrayed. I know it because I experienced it too. Every time you look at me you think of the pain. So I don't expect you to forgive me.

But it's a shame isn't it?

Three years of friendship. Lost, overnight.

Strange.. We're strangers again.

Insanity Is Overrated

The Doctor of Me

look through my eyes

first autumn

你好！

before i take the biggest leap of my life... i just need to say

Thoughts and Emotions of a Departing

mad men

BOTAK

I Love Yumcha

My Friends

A like from Wiki

Jabez #1

Influences

1507 Princess - saved.

Ruminating

Form 6 Days 1#

Blogging To Me

Day Out With Dave & Elle

Spread my wings!

In the end, only Him can satisfy

Should I Call?

The Molting Process

Miracle 1#: Found my bike

Father, hold me

kick-starting life all over again!

it's all in the head

MOVE OUT

in depression

Sempurna

A long way to go

How come I don't blog anymore?

1st post after NS

debates at yumcha

i'm a believer

Whoa

What's wrong?

Canon PowerShot S95

控制

Trials — 考验

FRUSTRATED

Dunning–Kruger effect

九月，我等你

Minggu Bahasa Opening

病~

Debut

House!

End of July

月光 情歌

中学运动会 （最后一年）

AARRGGHH~!

Things that might change my life

报告

成绩出炉了！

Time-Out

Farewell, Anita.

逃

还真有意思

strawberry初恋

做傻事

My purpose in life

我爱 Happy.

我不会对你真心的说

承诺

新的template!

小小的手

Camp 回来了

爱 - 呀！

luxury of holidays

Everyone needs compassion

An inspiration, from a distance.

Jamais couard n'aura belle amie

Ambivalence

Ungrateful bastard

Amazing.

Can you feel my heart?

hahahahahaha

Messed Up

Messed Up

Sad Blog post 1#

月光情歌

中学运动会（最后一年）